Yawn. Poorly Filmed Snooze Fest.

Just perfect...

If you don't like this, we can't be friends.

best movie i've ever seen.

A poor movie whose only real merit is the effectiveness of the James Corden/Matthew Horne buddy relationship fronting it up.Lesbian Vampire Killers is of course intended to be a spoof of gross-out horror movies, so it's difficult to criticise it too much for the pathetic attempts at creating fearful vampirical lesbians.So it's a good job that plenty of room is allowed for Corden to deliver a series of moderately amusing one-liners such as "Even dead women'd sooner sleep with each other than get with me it would appear." Unfortunately, by the climax, the comedy is well and truly exhausted and the movie really creaks at the seams as the heroes go about defeating the vampire queen by means of a phallus-handled sword.

The year 1872 was a famous one in literary history. It was, for example, the year when Thomas Hardy wrote "Under the Greenwood Tree" and George Eliot "Middlemarch". For our purposes, however, is importance lies in the fact that this was the year when the Irish writer Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, in his story "Carmilla", invented the lesbian vampire. And what would the British horror film industry do without lesbian vampires? Admittedly, Victorian standards of propriety meant that in Le Fanu's original story the lesbianism had to be implied rather than explicit, but the various twentieth-century adaptations of the story, especially Hammer's "The Vampire Lovers" were much less restrained on this point."Lesbian Vampire Killers" is essentially "Carmilla" adapted for the New Lad generation. The heroes, Fletch and Jimmy, played by comedians James Corden and Matthew Horne, are a pair of unlikely lads from London who spend most of their time obsessing about beer, football and girls. And in Jimmy's case about his on/off relationship with his sluttish girlfriend Judy. It's generally "off" when Judy wants to dump Jimmy for another man, then "on" again when she discovers the other man isn't interested. Fletch and Jimmy decide to go away on holiday together, but lacking the cash for a foreign vacation decide to go hiking in England, and settle upon the Norfolk village of Cragwich.This is not the best choice they could have made. An ancient curse, cast in the Middle Ages by the vampire queen Carmilla, means that, upon reaching her eighteenth birthday, every girl in Cragwich turns into a lesbian vampire. This phenomenon which seems to have gone quite unnoticed by the outside world, except in Germany; Fletch and Jimmy meet four attractive German students who have come to Cragwich to study its ancient legend. They also learn, from the local vicar, of an ancient prophecy which states that Carmilla will rise again from the dead and that she can only be slain by the last descendant of the Clan McLaren, which just happens to be Jimmy. (It was a McLaren who was responsible for slaying Carmilla in her previous incarnation; the Clan McLaren were, of course, originally from the Scottish Highlands, not from Norfolk, but this is not a film which places a high premium on factual accuracy). Le Fanu probably intended the name "Carmilla" to be pronounced with a long vowel in the first syllable, but here the pronunciation is generally closer to "Camilla". Perhaps this was a comment on the less-than-popular wife of our current heir to the throne. While watching the film it struck me that the phrase "lesbian vampire killers" is triply ambiguous in that it can be interpreted in three different ways, namely (1) lesbians who kill vampires, (2) lesbian vampires who kill and (3) people who kill lesbian vampires. The producers, however, presumably intended it to be taken in the third of these senses as the initially reluctant Jimmy and Fletch take to killing as many vampires as they can, aided by Lotte (one of the tourists) and the Vicar (played by former Doctor Who Paul McGann), before Britain and the whole world are overrun by a plague of lesbian vampires. On the other hand, the title may also cover the second of the three above meanings, as the vampires themselves can certainly be pretty lethal. The film was not popular with the critics, and it doesn't seem too popular with some reviewers on this board either. Reading some of the one-star reviews, generally written from a position of jaw-dropping political correctness, was like wading through a "Guardian" women's-page editorial from the 1970s. Of course, the idea of lesbians as blood- sucking vampires would be horribly bigoted and misogynistic if it were to be taken seriously, but the one thing you cannot do with a film like this is to take anything about it seriously. The whole thing is a spoof from start to finish, a sort of cinematic equivalent of "Viz" magazine. (McGann's foul-mouthed Vicar particularly put me in mind of a "Viz" character). I would have described it as a parody of those old Hammer films from the sixties and seventies, of which "The Vampire Lovers" is a prime example, were it not for the fact that many of those films contain a strong element of self-parody. Certainly, it is not for everyone; those inclined to take life too seriously will loathe it, and anyone averse to bawdy humour or bad language would be well-advised to give it a wide berth. It is no "Citizen Kane", but most other people will find it amusing piece of entertainment, especially if watched late at night. 5/10

(Credit IMDb) Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her. His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte, Heide,...I rented this out of pure curiosity, due to the titling itself. I really didn't expect much for a film of this nature, and I pretty much got what I bargained for. It's nothing downright horrible, but nothing overly amusing either. It tries so hard to follow in the vain of Shaun of the Dead, but it doesn't have the laughs or the talent to accomplish that feat. The characters themselves aren't very intriguing, and it really only gained steam for me in the final 35 minutes or so. Bottom line. Mediocre sums up the word for this movie perfectly. Don't remember much about it, don't really care too. Worth a look I guess, but it's vastly forgettable.4 ½ /10

Like the lad's magazines whose custom base this 'film' is aimed at, there are models posing as actors without much clothing and a pair of unlikely lads cracking post-Pegg & Frost type jokes. The script is indescribably bad, beige chat peppered with hokey, irony-impermeable Medievalisms and stumbling over James Corden's psychotic need to make jokes that he needn't. Employing Paul McGann is an impotent bid for the cult market. The ideas are expended by a third of the way through - a possible digression over the vicar's daughter is wasted and a belated attempt to bring it back from the dead half-hearted. With the exception of the effortfully professional lighting, design and under-the-circumstances photography this is a complete waste of everybody's time and money. 1/10