Takes itself way too seriously

I like movies that are aware of what they are selling... without [any] greater aspirations than to make people laugh and that's it.

As somebody who had not heard any of this before, it became a curious phenomenon to sit and watch a film and slowly have the realities begin to click into place.

It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

This review have also been uploaded to my user page, Bml93, at Listal.comWell, what can you actually expect from a title with the name of Bikini Girls on Ice? It's not really a film you put on if you want to see top- notch quality. But is it a crime to put on a film like this, in hope for it to be entertaining? No, it's not. Bikini Girls on Ice is exactly what it sounds like in one way, and it's far from what one would expect in another, more crucial way. It's what you would expect in that the title delivers exactly what it says. Girls walking around in bikinis, only to be put on ice later. Unfortunately, the film doesn't deliver where it should deliver. It fails to fulfill the number one rule of slasher films. It's not entertaining.When you seek out films like this, there's only two things you need in order to be entertained. Some well-placed nudity (these are films for guys after all) and some cheap, imaginative and gory kills. This is supposed to be cheap entertainment in almost a "so bad it's good" way. If those two things are delivered, it's very easy to forgive things as atrocious actors portraying not particularly likable characters and an idiotic plot. But when the film fails to deliver those two things, you're left with a real turd.It's really hard to see what the director of this film was actually thinking? What creative reason did he have for choosing the decision that ruined the little hope this film had to come off as passable entertainment? You see, instead of filming stupid, hot and naked teenagers getting brutally murdered in the most unthinkable ways, writer/director Geoff Klein decided for a completely different approach to the material. He decided to have every kill offscreen. Instead of seeing people getting unmercifully maimed, Klein decided to show blood sprouting over the wall or the killer's face instead. Aside from one kill (who is painfully generic), every kill in this film is happening offscreen. It's beyond my belief how a 2009 film ended up by doing that.It doesn't even have that many kills in it. We're early in the film introduced to a bus load of bikini clothed females, but after some minutes of tame, supposedly erotic, car washing, half of the females just walks(!) away. We're cheated for four-five more kills in the most illogical and stupid manner possible. So Klein obviously thinks that seeing a few girls getting murdered offscreen in their bikins is enough to entertain. It's not. It's not nearly enough.It's quite simply a film that doesn't manage to compensate for it's awful script and acting. The film delivers girls dressed in bikins as the title promises, but it doesn't deliver any of the actual good things one would expect from a title like that. We're shown one set of boobs and actually shown one kill. The rest is offscreen, and that makes for really bad film.

Why do we watch slashers? To see beautiful girls and original killings. Unfortunately this movie lacks in the second department. Leave aside the originality, you can't even see the killings properly. Because the shots are done from the victim's perspective so all you see is some sweaty mad man bashing people with several tools, without a clear reason or back story. And that's pretty much it. No gore, no blood, nothing! Just some stupid half naked characters running around like a headless chicken and getting offed one by one by this mad mechanic.Lol at the genius writer/director, why did you even bother shooting a slasher if you are not going to show us the killings, eh? This Geoff should just flip burgers instead of shooting movies, for the sake of the genre and our sanity. Please Geoff, stay 10 miles away from the camera and go write children's books if you have an itch to scratch. Apparently shooting a horror/slasher is way beyond your skills and imagination.

The slasher genre is now over 30 years old (over 50 years old if dated to Hitchcock's Psycho), and like those indestructible bogeymen it just keeps going and going. BGOI is a truly awful testament to its longevity. The writer-director of BGOI should have spent just five minutes considering what Hitchcock (a director of suspenseful films) might have made of the truly dull opening scene - which was a portent of what was to come.After the credits, we are treated to an amusing quarter-of-an-hour of bikini-girl-comedy before the tone changes and the maniac resumes his 'Leatherface' impersonation in scenes which are totally out of kilter with the comedy-horror premise. One character after another walks into the shadows and, with predictable certainty, is bludgeoned with a mallet.The youthful cast do all that is asked of them and cannot be faulted for their efforts to make the most of what they are given.

The title of this film puts me in mind of those figure-skating shows they put on at Christmas—only in this case, instead of Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty On Ice, it would be hot babes in itsy-bitsy bikinis performing the choctaws, camel spins, and triple salchows with a twist to the strains of Bolero (sadly, I imagine such an event is unlikely to happen due to the high risk of hypothermia).Anyway, enough of these flights of fantasy... in reality, Bikini Girls On Ice is a routine slasher the likes of which we have seen many times before, only this time around the helpless female victims are a bunch of hot college girls in sexy swim-wear hoping to raise some cash by holding a bikini car-wash. En route to the location of the event, their bus breaks down outside an abandoned gas station, home to a hulking, wheezing, sweaty, lank-haired maniac called Moe who puts his prey into freezers packed with ice (hence the title!).Exactly who Moe is, why he does what he does, and how come no-one has ever called in the cops to investigate is never explained, and that's just a few of the reasons why this movie sucks, even with the ever present sight of curvaceous cuties jiggling their bits in front of the camera. Other reasons why this films bites: only one pair of bare breasts; virtually no gore; extremely dumb characters; a killer who is able to pop up wherever he likes—the list goes on...What I fail to understand is how anyone can make such a dreary film from such a simple set-up. You got a drooling inbred psycho and half a dozen sexy girls wearing nothing but scraps of material (the sort of garments that can be removed with one easy tug)—how hard can it really be to turn that into a reasonably entertaining movie?3.5 out of 10, very generously rounded up to 4 for all the pretty ladies.