That was an excellent one.

Best movie ever!

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

Let me be very fair here, this is not the best movie in my opinion. But, this movie is fun, it has purpose and is very enjoyable to watch.

It's the film that makes PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE look like a professional masterpiece and has to be one of the worst, albeit most unseen, movies ever created. It's certainly one of the crudest. Up until now, I had considered NO SECRETS! to be the worst British comedy film that I'd ever watched, but all that changes with QUEEN KONG, a film so bloody awful in absolutely every respect that it should be a must for every movie-goer, in order to make them aware of the skill that goes into everyday movies.Conceived as a spoof on the recently-released remake of KING KONG, starring Jessica Lange, QUEEN KONG was shelved after producer Dino De Laurentiis threw a fit and restricted the film's release wherever he could. Even today it remains a little-seen movie, more talked about than anything else. Judging by the state of this movie and the wave of stupid sex comedies which filled the British market back in the late '70s, our film industry was in a terrible state - something from which it hasn't really recovered.Robin Askwith stars as 'Ray Fay' - the screaming male lead in this gender-bending variant on the classic tale, which follows the plot of KING KONG very closely indeed - so much so that you know exactly what's going to happen. However, along the way they throw in lots of jokes that fall repeatedly flat - I can't think of one intentionally funny moment in this entire film. Things reach a new low with an EXORCIST joke which really highlights this film's level of humour.Askwith, incidentally, was never much of an actor - his acting consisted of mugging at every opportunity - yet even he seems good here, in comparison to the rest of the abysmal cast. Rula Lenska is the irritating female lead, an obnoxious director with her own agenda, and her acting is terrible. There aren't any other principal characters, and only a couple of other blokes in the thing. The other stars are a bunch of interchangeable actresses who run around a lot in bikini tops and skimpy shorts - it's that kind of movie. Look hard and you'll spot the ever-lovely Valerie Leon as a native priestess or something, in a new career low for her. I'm not surprised she gave up acting shortly afterwards. Linda Hayden also cameos as a singing nun for no particular reason, for about a minute before dying.As well as the non-direction, shoddy editing, and tinny, inappropriate music, the special effects in this film are appalling conceived and make the ones in DR WHO look like visual masterpieces. QUEEN KONG is obviously a man in a tatty-old ape suit, who walks around in some over-size sets on occasion or alternatively is back-projected in front of tiny, running people. This is rather obvious due to the bright blue screen behind her every time this happens. The prehistoric "monsters" that Kong fights in the jungle are pitiful, especially a rubbery Tyrannosaurus rex whose jaws bend back and forth with the slightest touch. Just when things can't get any worse, a rubbish Pterodactyl appears, sometimes huge, sometimes tiny, depending on the prop they were using. I realised then just how good the effects in AT THE EARTH'S CORE are in comparison.However, for me, one special effect in particular highlights the cheapness of this production. We see an obvious model of Kong being pulled down the River Thames, wrapped in chains, on her arrival to London. At this particular moment, somebody swoops a toy helicopter past the top right of the picture. I couldn't believe my eyes and had to rewind this scene to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but yes, it is a model helicopter up there, with the top hidden to avoid the hands of the man holding it. Just one poor moment of many, QUEEN KONG is a truly pitiful film, only worthwhile as a curiosity, in the same way that people crowd around road accidents in a morbid way. For a much more fun British take on the Kong legend, check out 1961's KONGA, complete with a hamming Michael Gough and equally dodgy special effects - but at least they had some money and made an effort in that particular film.

Hidden away for many years, Queen Kong is finally gained a DVD release, probably to the embarrassment of the stars, but also to the joy of fans of low budget seventies comedy. The film follows the 1933 King Kong remarkably closely and has fun poking fun at many films of the time. The film is clearly not to be taken seriously and has it's tongue firmly embedded in it's cheeky cheek and is by no means difficult to sit through. The women's lib overtones are quite laughable though as there are plenty of scantily clad (no nudity though) females exploiting the gender and prancing around for the men of the audience to have a right good ogle. A lot of the jokes may be of the 'groan' variety but in my book there's no such thing as a bad pun. One particular scene that gave me a hearty chortle was where a priest on a plane decks an annoying lady passenger because of her annoying laughter, and the singing nun on the plane raised a smile too. Of course film snobs will poo-poo it as film snobs are want to do and that's fine. It's not a film made for them, but for those who like ever-so-slightly risqué knockabout farces will get a lot from it. And from a strictly male point of view, any film that has Valerie Leon in a skimpy bikini for the entire length of it has to add a little something. It also looks better than it should do really, even if the white cliffs of Dover are now to be found on the African coast.

"Queen Kong" from 1976 is a film I always wanted to see ever since I first heard of its existence, around 1978 or so. Being a lifelong fan of all things "giant monster destroys things" (especially Godzilla) I began a lifelong search to find this on bootleg. Incredibly, despite most other things turning up eventually, this never surfaced.I learned a bit more about it over the years, like that it actually was released in a small amount of theaters abroad, being pulled almost immediately. I met some other monster fans over the years who also were searching for this film but to no avail.So when I heard that "Queen Kong" was actually going to get a DVD release, I was pretty happy. Other giant ape movies from the 70's were released on DVD, like The Mighty Peking Man (a.k.a. Goliathon) and A.P.E., so I felt this was deserved. I was psyched on finally seeing, after 25 years or so, what this film was about.Well, to put it mildly, this film is garbage. It is complete, utter crap. It's not even "so bad it is good" like say, "Robot Monster." This film is horrid because it doesn't have a clue: it's totally void of any heart, wit, or charm. And you need at least two of those to make an entertaining "bad" movie.The shame of it all is that the premise has a lot of potential, to make a feminist "King Kong." In the hands of filmmakers who actually knew what they were doing, the idea may have had a chance.The first 30 minutes of this film is so unbelievably mind-numbing, it just seems like someone took an expensive camera in the backyard and started filming. Now normally, that sounds like the making of a "so bad it's good" film, but again, no charm, wit or heart, so the film doesn't work on any level. Nothing happens in the first 30 minutes at all - it literally is a complete waste of time.30 minutes in, Queen Kong finally shows up, and after some extremely poor scenes, 20 minutes later (yes, just 20 minutes later) Queen kong is en route to London, having been captured. In London, after Queen Kong escapes what looks like a big outdoor dinner party, she then goes to Big Ben (after about 5 seconds of fun model work and the rest, horrible model work), climbs up, and battles helicopters. The male substitute for Fay Wray makes a speech over a copter's PA about feminism, and it ends soon after.Again, there isn;t a trace of wit, cleverness, heart, or charm in this totally bland take on the "King Kong" legend. It's hard to even laugh at the brief monster battles because of the lack of these things. Dino DeLaurentes (sp), who made 1976's "King Kong" and forced this out of the theaters, had nothing to worry about really - word of mouth would have killed this off within days. In comparison to the other "Kong" rip-offs of the day I mentioned, "The Mighty Peking Man" is so vastly superior to this it boggles the mind, and even the poor "A.P.E." is so far ahead of this dreck. And don't even think about comparing this to any Godzilla film - the worst Godzilla film looks like Gone With The Wind next to "Queen Kong."The one lone good thing about "Queen Kong" is that the girls are all very pretty and beautiful. And 1976 beautiful is pretty hot. The fact that they bothered to get good looking girls is at least a little something to the filmmaker's credit. If you can get hold of the film's trailer without buying the DVD, all the FX shots you'd be interested in seeing are mostly in there. There's no need at all to watch anything but the trailer. One day I'll listen to the director's commentary, just out of morbid curiosity.

This was a scene-for-scene parody of the original King Kong, with a merry but uncomprehending wink at the women's liberation movement. The better you know the original, the more you'll enjoy the in-jokes.