Plenty to Like, Plenty to Dislike

Overrated and overhyped

The acting in this movie is really good.

Actress is magnificent and exudes a hypnotic screen presence in this affecting drama.

Going by the standards of that genre known as the 1980s sex comedy, "Private Resort" is not one of the greats. Sure, it does tick off some of the boxes adequately, as there is plenty of girl-watching to enjoy (although, to be frank, there's more male nudity than there is female). And the script makes sure to include plenty of outrageous farcical situations in which to place our protagonists and antagonists. It's a gorgeous-looking picture in more ways than one, with very polished photography, and the pacing is acceptable enough to make the picture clock in at a fairly painless 82 minutes. It's not always terribly funny - in fact, sometimes it is lame and awkward - but it does have enough chuckle-worthy moments to make it an okay view.There are a notable amount of familiar faces here. Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp, right near the beginnings of their careers, are Ben and Jack, two young adults who are guests of the title locale. Their obvious mission is to score as much action as they can, but fate will have other things in store for them. The main story thread is that when Jack attempts to get it on with Bobbie Sue (Leslie Easterbrook, best known as Callahan in the "Police Academy" series), the two of them end up incurring the wrath of a supposedly professional jewel thief, "The Maestro" (Hector Elizondo).Rob and Johnny are lively and engaging, although it's been said that the two of them were so embarrassed by the movie that they vowed to track down and destroy every copy! Elizondo certainly does *look* embarrassed, but he still soldiers on admirably, and he and the rest of the cast do attempt to milk the material for as many laughs as they can. Emily Longstreth, Karyn O'Bryan, Hilary Shepard, Ms. Easterbrook, and Lisa London offer lots of eye candy, and it's also fun to see people like Dody Goodman, Michael Bowen, The Diceman (a.k.a. Andrew Clay), and Tony Azito."Private Resort" is no classic, but fans of the genre will likely be satisfied.Six out of 10.

Lame comedy notable for its casting but not much else. Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow (in his film debut) star as two teens staying at a Miami resort for the weekend. They're looking to get laid but run afoul of jewel thief Hector Elizondo (wearing a wig that makes him look like Billy Crystal).It's an '80s sex comedy so you pretty much know what to expect here. There's the horny kid trying to sneak a peak wherever he can, the uptight guy informing women in bikinis of the hotel's strict dress code, the one "nice" girl among all the floozies, and many other cheesy elements we've all seen before. There's also plenty of female flesh on display. The highlights of the movie are Hilary Shepard's nude scene and Leslie Easterbrook (of Police Academy fame) wearing a see-thru negligee. Unfortunately there isn't much else to recommend about this one. I didn't laugh once the whole time I was watching it. The two stars give no hint of their future successes here. Morrow is annoying and Depp is surprisingly charmless and bland. Elizondo comes off best in the comedy department. See it for the babes but nothing else.

It isn't every day you can watch Andrew "Dice" Clay slap around Johnny Depp in a movie. Or see Blanche from the Grease movies down a whole bottle of Quaaludes. Or see Hector Elizondo running around with a reverse Mohawk.... the list goes on. But these are just some of the things you'll see in this very enjoyable comedy from a bye gone era of film-making. Private Resort has a plot so minimal that one really would be hard pressed to describe it. I guess you could say that it is about two young men (Depp & Morrow) who visit a posh oceanside resort hoping to meet girls. They meet several, and along the way they get mixed up with an evil jewel thief played by Hector Elizondo. The action is played out in a series of chase scenes through the hotel, attempted hook-ups, and even a shootout at the end. Roll credits.Private Resort scores on many fronts. First of all, this film knows it's a sex comedy. So it also knows that in order for the audience to get their money's worth, there has to be a lot of nudity. And this film does not disappoint in that department. Even the guys get naked! You bet! Johnny Depp is fully nude at one point. We only see his backside, but I'll bet his female (and some male) fans will be totally satisfied. It appears this film was made before he started getting all of those tattoos. I didn't notice one on him. The film relies on physical comedy or "slapstick" for most of the laughs. The script has few memorable lines, but it really doesn't need them to get the point across. That poor guy who plays the head of hotel security continually gets the crap beat out of him as the action unfolds. So does Elizondo.Depp is appealing in one of his earliest roles. I doubt that he was asked many questions about it when he went Inside the Actor's Studio, however. Maybe Depp looks back on this film and smiles as he remembers a more simple time in his life. Who knows? Morrow as the more shy one of the two main characters is also very likable. It's good to see he still works, too. Andrew Clay is featured, and this is before he became known as the "Diceman". He is shirtless on one scene, and he appears to have more hair on his shoulders than on his entire back! Really, there isn't much more one can say about this film. It hits all the notes it intended to hit. The cast takes juvenile material and makes the most of it. Elizondo in particular stands out. You can even sense a few ad-libs he may have thrown in in some scenes that add to the fun. Also, there is a welcomed appearance by the large-chested policewoman from the Police Academy movies. The film hasn't even aged all that badly, except for the obvious changes in female swimwear. But, since most of the women in the film end up naked in their scenes, it really doesn't matter what they're wearing, does it? 6 of 10 stars.It was fun when I was in 8th grade, and it still is today!!! The Hound.

So you see, there's this movie. And if you watch it, you'll absolutely give up any and all hope for the future of humanity. The whole thing is a moronic titfest with very little tits and even littler of a fest. The attempts at romance and a plot are subpar, and the acting leaves so much to be desired that the phrase "much to be desired" doesn't do it justice.The plot is abysmal, centering around two young men and wackiness at a resort over the weekend. The Maestro wants to steal a diamond, and he is just a very bad thief. Add in a bunch of two dimensional women, and you have a romp that borrows heavily from _Catalina Caper_ and _Porky's_.If you like Johnny Depp or that guy from "Northern Exposure," don't see this movie. If you like Hector Elizondo, stay as far away from this movie as possible. If you like Andrew Dice Clay... then this movie can't really be too much worse for you.I really have to emphasize this just one more time, so please please trust me: DON'T.