Simply Perfect

Memorable, crazy movie

If the ambition is to provide two hours of instantly forgettable, popcorn-munching escapism, it succeeds.

It's easily one of the freshest, sharpest and most enjoyable films of this year.

For their 100th release, Hammer Films remade the 1940 cavemen groaner One Million B.C. It would prove to be a roaring box office success, whilst simultaneously making Raquel Welch an iconic poster girl and Ray Harryhausen an even bigger hero.Plot is slight. Two tribes exist in prehistoric times, the Rock People and the Shell People. The former are more aggressive and basic, the latter more forward and assured. Tumak (John Richardson) of the Rocks and Loana (Welch) wind up together, fighting prejudices and lots of giant beasties! Hooray!That's really it, the message is clear but ultimately we are here for the dinosaurs and giant creatures (well OK, the scantily clad cave dwellers as well), with Harryhausen once again showing why he was a legend in his field of animation. With good fights, a bit of sexy sizzle and a volcanic finale, it's all good really.It's no history lesson of course, but as Harryhausen was wont to say, they wasn't making a film for history professors! 7/10

This movie essentially begins during the dawn of mankind with the leader of the Rock tribe, "Akhoba" (Robert Brown) slyly trapping a warthog and allowing his son "Tumac" (John Anderson) the honor of leaping into the pit to slay it. This decision angers Akhoba's other son "Sakana" (Percy Hebert) who is quite jealous of Tumac and sees him as a threat to his ambition of one day ruling the Rock tribe as the successor to his father. Additionally, the fact that the beautiful "Nupondi" (Martine Beswick) prefers Tumac over him also infuriates Sakana to no end. But things change quite suddenly when Akhoba and Tumac engage in mortal combat over a piece of meat which leaves Tumac forcibly evicted from the tribe and left for dead. Fortunately, Tumac manages to survive and upon wandering a great distance through the desert collapses near the vicinity where some young women from the Shell tribe happen to be fishing. Having never seen a male outside of her tribe "Loana" (Raquel Welch) takes it upon herself to nurse Tumac back to health. This sudden interest for this stranger by Loana causes some concern by one of the males named "Ahot" (Jean Wladon) who rather fancied having Loana for himself. Anyway, one thing leads to another and eventually Tumac and Ahot engage in a violent struggle which results in Tumac once again being evicted. But this time he has a companion in Loana who forsakes her tribe to be with him. Now rather than reveal any more of this movie and risk spoiling it for those who haven't seen it I will just say that this particular picture is a British remake of an earlier Hollywood film by the name of "One Million B.C." which was produced in 1940. Personally, I prefer the remake to the original due to two specific reasons. First of all, unlike its predecessor, the 1966 version is filmed in color which enhances some of the special effects. But the main reason this movie is better is the presence of Raquel Welch who created quite a sensation in her fur bikini during this time. No doubt some who remember watching this movie at the local theater or drive-in will know what I'm talking about. In any case, while this movie is clearly not meant to be historical in nature and doesn't have anything resembling a coherent script, it is still a fond memory for me and I rate it as slightly above average.

WARNING! - Never, ever judge a DVD by its enticing, bikini-clad, surfer-girl, cheesecake cover! Oh-me! Oh-my! Believe me, this prehistorically preposterous "Romeo & Juliet" love story literally set the art of romance back by about a billion years (B.C.). It really did.This film is a prime example of some of the most primitive-minded, stone-aged trash that actually makes the likes of The Flintstones cartoon seem about 10x more entertaining (and authentic) by mere comparison.From wrangling with supremely peed-off warthogs to claw'n'nail cat-fights between hot cave-girls in high-fashion fur bikinis (ooh-la-la!), One Million Years B.C. can only be fully appreciated if one chooses to view it as a demented, dim-witted, slapstick comedy, presented in the comic style of a Monty Python's farce.From my point of view - This neolithic nonsense of fighting, killing, raping and grunting scraped the absolute bottom of the primordial barrel.I'd say that about the only thing missing from this one's primeval tale of uncivilized romance (perfect for Valentine's Day) was to have had the gruff & grubby Rockman (Tumak) club the sweet & delicate Shellgirl (Loana) over the head and then drag her back by her long, blond locks to a convenient cave for a little bit of "you-know-what", caveman-style.When actually comparing this film's dinosaur effects (courtesy of Ray Harryhausen) to those of 1933's King Kong, I'd confidently say that what one saw in the latter picture (though filmed 33 years prior) was, indeed, far more superior to the former flick in every way imaginable.Anyways - The truth of the matter is - One Million Years B.C. was a total stone-aged embarrassment on all counts. Yep. And that also includes its climatic "erupting volcano" scene that was (obviously) hastily thrown into this primitive mishmash for good measure.And, finally, I ask you - How the hell can Man's future possibly be looked upon as being friendly when his savage, blood-thirsty past (which goes all the way back to one million years B.C.) certainly wasn't?

I remember seeing this one in a small first release cinema back in 1967 when it was first released. As the cinema was part of a nation-wide chain owned by 20th Century-Fox, naturally the version screened for an audience of seven (me plus six usherettes) was the 91-minute USA cutdown. Admittedly, screening the British version would have made no difference to the size of the audience. With the sole exceptions of "Fantastic Voyage" (1966) and "Bedazzled" (1967), all the films in which Raquel starred were total write-offs in Australia. Worse, her part in "Fantastic Voyage" could hardly be described as typical; while as for "Bedazzled", her role was little more than a cameo. To say that Miss Welch had no box office appeal in Australia would be the understatement of the year. That's a shame because I always liked her. My favorite of her movies is "Fathom". I also like "Lady in Cement", even though most of the glory here belongs to Frank Sinatra. As for "One Million Years B.C.", I think Miss Welch looks far more appealing in the publicity photos than in the film itself. Also John Richardson struck me as an actor with no charisma. Like him or hate him, you can't say that about Victor Mature who starred in Hal Roach's first version, "One Million B.C.", back in 1940. And for those who groove on special effects, the 1940 film is far more spectacular.