Sadly Over-hyped

just watch it!

an ambitious but ultimately ineffective debut endeavor.

A film with more than the usual spoiler issues. Talking about it in any detail feels akin to handing you a gift-wrapped present and saying, "I hope you like it -- It's a thriller about a diabolical secret experiment."

For some reason then "Old 37" had managed to elude me until 2017, which is a bit odd as it has both Kane Hodder and Bill Mosely on the cast list, two huge iconic horror names, and two actors that I do like in movies.So when I got the chance to sit down and watch "Old 37", I needed no convincing and I didn't even have to read the synopsis for the movie. All that was needed was the horror label and the fact that both Hodder and Mosely were starring in this movie.The pacing of the movie was somewhat of a mixed result. I especially liked how the movie did lay the groundwork for the setting from the very beginning. But the movie did follow the generic formula of how to make a horror movie, which was so clearly apparent, for better or worse. And it does slow down quite a lot during the first half of the movie in order to establish characters and background. That made it somewhat tedious, but then it gradually started to pick up pace again as Jon Roy (played by Kane Hodder) and Darryl (played by Bill Mosely) made a return to perform their ghastly endeavor. The cast in "Old 37" was good, especially because most of the faces appearing on the screen were new to me. And personally I do enjoy watching new performers on the screen, as they are not already associated with other roles in other movies. And having two horror icons in one movie needs no explanation.As for the characters in the movie, well I will say that the character gallery was quite diverse. Some characters more likable than others, naturally. However, the overall impression is that the characters could just as easily had been in any other horror movie, so there was a feeling of generic character build to some of them.There wasn't an abundance of special effects, much less CGI effects. But I will say that the practical effects that were in the movie were quite nice, especially the special effects make-up on Brooke, when she was found, that looked quite good. It was interesting to have Jon Roy cover his lower part of the face with a mask throughout the movie, but when his face was revealed it was somewhat of an anti-climatic reveal, because his face wasn't that scary or deformed."Old 37" was actually quite nicely filmed and edited, which made for a very enjoyable viewing pleasure. And that also made for a very good flow to the movie.The music score for the movie was actually quite good, and the music was quite fitting for the particular atmosphere that permeated the movie.I must admit that I had expected more mayhem and mutilation that what director Alan Smithee managed to deliver here with the help of writers Joe Landes and Paul Travers. And the ups and downs in the pacing of the movie was also somewhat of a setback for the overall enjoyment of the movie. "Old 37" wasn't an impressive or outstanding horror movie in any way, and not even the two iconic horror figures Hodder and Mosely could salvage this one.

Growing up with a fruitcake paramedic father with a taste for blood (he never got over it after the war!), two adult men (horror icons, Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley) were truly effed up by his upbringing, although their mom tried as she might to show them some semblance of family love and affection. Well, the two operate a car salvage yard and on their spare time hunt down wrecking motorists when they dial 911 from in short distance. How do they hunt? By pretending to be paramedics, even owning an ambulance, surprising unsuspecting victims by bringing the ultraviolence, that's how.The movie alternates between flashbacks detailing the ghoulish memories of Hodder and Moseley and Caitlin Harris' gradual transition from cool, individualistic "misfit" (she's not part of the whole popular crowd) to silicone-boobed, blond-colored, desperate-for-attention Heather. There's also high school's It crowd Caitlin is not fond of yet inexplicably decides to eventually mimic…because of a boy, of course! Caitlin and her mom have conversations about the men in their lives, and the eventual boob job gets plenty of rub. Daftly, Caitlin's friend is murdered because of a car stunt involving legs split on two cars while driving at high speeds (the blond diva of the teens feels overshadowed and causes her beau to lose his attention while driving!) and fades into the script's ether…it is included strictly to make the kids who decide to keep it all a secret all the more unfavorable.I could care less about the miscreants that made up the teens, but there is a good bit of attention towards them in the first part of the movie. It is only later that finally the film emphasizes Moseley and Hodder's horrific childhoods (Moseley is definitely warped by the experience, ridiculing Hodder endlessly, even responsible for his facial disfiguring resulting in the wearing of a mouth mask) and gets to them killing folks. Moseley has been pretty much typecast as the backwoods psycho, but he continues to somehow summon the gravitas to make the characters he plays watchable. He's a charismatic presence, no doubt about that. I have to guess he's bored with this by now, though. "Dead Air" (2009) proved he could play a character that is right the opposite to his usual nutjobs, but he's so incredibly busy (just look at his schedule, it is astounding) the money offered beats unemployment, I guess. Hodder will always be employed as long as he brings the menace like he does here. Still, they are actually underused despite their heavy billing in the cast. As far as their extracurricular activities: the violence is mostly out of frame. A saw to the throat squirts blood, but a majority of knife-stabbing and saw dicing is implied not explicitly elaborated…a no-no for those who typically watch this kind of movie. Like horror movies of today, aesthetically, it is all desaturated with brown and grey prevalent…it is all sepia-centric. This has the Alan Smithee title for the director in the credits so it is clear that Christian Winters wasn't fond of the finished product…I think his decision has merit as it is a tale of two movies both fighting for supremacy.

Clue #1 that you are, most likely, headed down regrettable waters comes in the opening credits when we see the director credited as Alan Smithee. For those unaware, this is a long-standing entertainment pseudonym used when a director is so embarrassed of the final product that they wish for their name to be erased. By the end of the 80 minute run time of this movie you will understand, with no uncertainty, just exactly why the director would have done this.I always feel the need to preface a review with some background on myself. I love horror. I've seen more horror movies than you have heard of and that includes plenty of indie work, so I'm not biased against horror with a low budget and that has nothing to do with my negative opinions of this movie. We have, essentially, two concurrent story lines running here. On one hand are our "villains", two brothers played by the dream casting of Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder. Their father was a former military medic who couldn't remove himself from the war. He used an ambulance to intercept emergency callers and inflict torture upon them, all while bringing his impressionable boys with him. Through a never ending series of flashbacks, we see that this torture extended to their home life, as well, where the father abused both the boys and their mother, all leading up to their inevitable taking over of the family ambulance business.Of course, any slasher needs a final girl and this one features the most boring, unimaginative one that you will see. Her best friend has abandoned her to hang with the beautiful people, but a tragic accident leads to her death. Of course, even though this girl has completely abandoned our heroine, she must give the eulogy anyways to some bizarre mixture of funeral/ school assembly. Somehow, this all leads to an obsession with getting breast implants, stealing the neighborhood mean girl's boyfriend and an all too predictable plot line where she loses the "real her" in her quest to become one of the cool kids. Naturally, these two stories line meet up in the end.There are so many problems with this that I just don't even know where to begin. There isn't a single good actor in this entire production and, sadly, that includes Moseley and Hodder (two guys that I have met and like personally, which makes me more sad to say it). Moseley basically plays out a character that's just a slight shade away from his most famous roles, Choptop and Otis Firefly. You can hear both of those roles emerging in his lines as he plays the exact same sort of psycho. Hodder is given really nothing to do except skulk around and look menacing. The teenagers are bland and not far above high school play level talent. The only other person you've heard of in this one is Miley Cyrus' talentless older sister, who is killed in the first ten minutes.It doesn't help that the writing is pathetic, either. The dialog, especially, is so bad that the viewer will find themselves laughing at the movie at times. It's one thing to see actors in a low budget production, who may not be top level talent, but they are doing their best with quality script. Here, the writing is even worse than the acting. I found myself wondering, at times, if they even had a script, or just made some things up to say as they went along.The movie spends FAR too much time on the teenage drama, which is just boring and insipid. It's just so cliché and overly done as a plot line that there is no interest for the viewer at all. It spends an inordinate amount of time obsessing about a breast implant surgery for our heroine, then the day finally comes and she's totally blasé about it. Naturally, after getting her hair done and new breasts, she suddenly forgets all about her school work, changes her world-view overnight and becomes another cliché character.She is interwoven into the villains story line through several all too convenient plot threads that lead to everything combining in the end. It's not enough to have her best friend killed on the road that these psychos patrol with their torture wagon, but we get flashbacks to reveal that her circle of friends may have had something to do with the death of the villains' beloved mother and they just happen to have seen it happen, remembered the faces and have been waiting for this revenge. As if that all wasn't a convenient enough plot device, our heroine's mother becomes friends with Moseley's psycho after his mother is killed. This mother apparently dates every man in town, who come into the two girls' lives every time it's convenient for the plot, including Moseley taking mom out on a date in our finale, even though he shows up at the home looking like a beat up, psychotic, homeless man that no woman in her right mind would leave the house with, let alone a single mother. The one saving grace of all of this is some nice gory flourishes in the killings and torture, which will satisfy a gorehound. I appreciate the use of practical effects and real blood, rather than slick CGI. There are a few scenes that really grabbed my attention with the red stuff splattering around. These few scenes, though, are just not enough to redeem this movie in any way.It's a shame to waste two talents like Moseley and Hodder in a movie as bad as this, but I just cannot recommend this to anyone.

The perfect mix of horror, humor, and gore. There are many moments of just plain horror and fear. There are also quite a few times where there is humor involved (keep an eye on the 2 brothers played by Bill Mosely and Kane Hodder). There is so much blood and gore. There are a few unique killing devices in the movie. Mosely and Kane Hodder strike fear in viewers yet again. The teenager story lines get old after a while, but their stupid decisions are what always moves a horror movie forward. This is a great movie. I recommend this movie to everyone with a strong stomach, ages 13+ (gore, cursing, etc.). And, "Don't worry. I'm a paramedic."