Touches You

Such a frustrating disappointment

Expected more

An old-fashioned movie made with new-fashioned finesse.

After watching this movie twice, I can confirm that this movie is 100%... GARBAGE. I'm not even joking when I say that this is absolutely terrible in every way.If you don't know what House of the Dead is, Remember that arcade game you played at Dave and Buster's for maybe 20 minutes before you got bored and played something else? Well, Uwe Boll made a movie out of that. If you don't know who Uwe Boll is, he's the director of this movie and widely considered one of the worst directors out there. He's also known for challenging Critics who didn't like he movies to a boxing match. Anyway, on to "House of the Dead"I'll spoil the plot of the movie for you. There's a island full of zombies, teenagers go to it and die. The End. Every plot-point that happens in the movie, I could see coming from a mile away. It's the most predictable and basic of Horror movies, and it wasn't scary in the slightest. The characters are so annoying and one-dimensional that even is they actors were any good (which they're not), they still wouldn't be able to pull it off. The writing in this film reminds me of how I used to write movies... when I was seven. The music is horrible. It sounds less like music and more like inconsistent noise. Overall, this is a horrible film and one of many horrible films made by Uwe Boll. 2/10

It was only reading more about this film that I found it was based on the 1990s light gun arcade game of the same name, I remember seeing it myself in a few bowling alleys, but I mainly watched this to see if it was as terrible as it was meant to be. Basically college students Simon (Tyron Leitso) and Greg (Will Sanderson) are taking a boat to island for a techno rave party, they meet Alicia (Ona Grauer), Karma (Enuka Okuma) and Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa). Victor Kirk (Das Boot's Jürgen Prochnow) and his first mate Salish (Clint Howard, Ron's brother) give them a ride on their boat, police officer Jordan Casper (Halloween 4 and 5's Ellie Cornell) tries to stop them from leaving, as Kirk is a smuggler, they leave anyway, and find that the rave is completely deserted. Soon they realise that a swarm of flesh-eating zombies and monsters have risen from the ground, from the air and from the sea, and are on the rampage attacking all that come in their sights. One bite from them means slowly transforming into one of them, and the only way to kill them is a shot to the head, the remaining survivors try to stay alive in an old house they find, i.e. the House of the Dead, with other survivors Rudy (Final Destination 2's Jonathan Cherry), Liberty (Kira Clavell) and Hugh (Michael Eklund) inside. In the end some good guns and high explosives help them to escape, there is a point when they think its all over and one last attack occurs, but a team of agents take care of the rest and the last two living return home. Also starring Immortals' Steve Byers as Matt and Smallville's Erica Durance as Johanna. To be honest there is almost nothing good I can say about terribly trashy movie that was just trying to cash into the same audience as the same time's Dawn of the Dead remake, Shaun of the Dead and Resident Evil, I admit maybe my attention was caught by some of the bloody deaths. But the mix of predictable action, including snippets from the video game during, and a stupid storyline to act as a "prequel" to the game made this film nearly unbearable to keep up with and care about, a rather rubbish horror thriller. Pretty poor!

Where to begin? This film is a disaster. I've never seen so many bad things come in such rapid succession. It's like the cinematic equivalent of a 200 car freeway pileup. The characters are shallow, one-dimensional, corny, annoying, and generally unlikeable. I didn't care about a single one of them. The actors portraying these ridiculous characters seem to have been given no direction whatsoever, they just stumble their way through the movie trying to make the best of the horror script. The story is dumb, hardly explained, and makes little to no sense. The cinematography is actually not bad at times and the production values are adequate, it's just a shame these aspects didn't go into a better project. Uwe Boll fancies himself as some sort of brilliant auteur who the critics just happen to pick on for personal reasons. It's nothing personal, Mr. Boll. It's your work.1/10

Uwe Boll has come to be known as the worst director in Hollywood. The new Ed Wood, the all time supreme master of crap. This film has mediocre action sequences that make no sense and copy other films, it has nothing to do with the famous arcade game, and agent G is apparently a black guy. Uwe Boll you are terrible and you really had a cornucopia of things hand wrapped and given out to you, but you had to do it your way didn't you? But I still cannot get over how terrifically mental it is to not have G and Rogan be main characters. Instead you had to take a bunch of idiot teenagers that we aren't attached because they are so unlikable, and then you screw up the race of which G is. YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET THAT TINY LITTLE PART RIGHT! This was a golden opportunity to expand the HOTD universe and add on to the classic game. It was a chance to make thousands of HOTD fans become proud that there favorite game series was picking up and expanding more. But this is just a smear of trash, making sega curse the day they made the game and making people curse the day they ever picked up one of the classic arcade guns. This film blows. Bad dialogue, scenes, acting, editing, and most of all directing.