You won't be disappointed!

Please don't spend money on this.

Lack of good storyline.

Don't listen to the negative reviews

This isn't a good film, but it's a pretty good bad film. Troubled blonde teen Kirsten (Julie Austin) has a horrible home life that rivals just about everything Linda Blair went through in her 1970s film adventures. Her dad is out of the picture (or so she thinks). Her mother (Deanna Lund) is an icy mega-bitch whose idea of punishment is tapping into her daughter's savings account. Her kid brother Willy (Christopher Graham) is an obnoxious perv who likes to look at her boobies. Her German grandfather (Borah Silver) is a wheelchair bound weirdo who slaps her around for staying out too late. Needless to say, Kirsten is having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit. On top of all that, she's having these strange dreams which have something to do with some book or her family lineage or a drawing she made. It's all rather muddled and hard to understand. Kirsten, along with her bimbette friends Brooke (Laura Lichstein) and Amy (Stacey Dye), decide to hold some sort of séance out in the middle of the woods. Before they can even get started, Kirsten cuts her hand on a busted glass candle. Blood gets on the ground, the girls leave and out pops a rubbery elf monster! Not elves. An elf. Just one of them. Don't expect GREMLIN like monsters running around killing everyone despite the title.Kirsten works at a department store. It's Christmastime and her boss is being a jerk. He threatens to fire her after she knocks out the guy playing Santa for trying to feel her up. The elf sneaks into the store and kills the mean Santa by stabbing him in the crotch about 10 times with a knife. Police show up and basically do nothing. Homeless, out of work former store detective Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty) is hired on to replace the dead Santa. Despite the mysterious murder and a mad killer still on the loose who was just there earlier that day, Kirsten, Brooke and Amy decide to have a secret slumber party after hours in the store. They invite three guys over (who never make it inside), put on make-up, try on ugly lingerie, decide what tents they want to boff their boy toys in and end up getting attacked by both the elf AND some heavily armed posse of mystery men who somehow know all about what's going on. Only Kirsten and Mike end up getting out of the store alive, but there's more fun in store for young Kristen when she gets home. As it turns out, Kirsten is of a rather special bloodline. The Nazis are after her because they know she is the key to reviving the "Master Race." They know that only a virgin who is the bi-product of father-daughter incest is suitable to mate with an elf to bring on the second coming of the Third Reich. Will the rubbery elf fiend be able to wine, dine and consummate its relationship with Kirsten? Does Kirsten now wish she'd given it up to her mullet-sporting suitor in the home improvements section earlier in the film? See what happens ladies when you save yourself for marriage. Tragic consequences always ensue. You'll either get a lot of innocent people killed because cannibals want to sacrifice you or you'll get lots of innocent people killed because elves want to mate with you to create Nazis.In addition to the wacky plot, this one has lots of profanity, lots of bad taste, lots of bad acting, lots of quotable terrible dialogue, lots of hideous 80s hair and clothes, a little gore and even some nudity, most of which is provided by the evil mother character when she gets electrocuted in the bathtub when the elf throws a radio in. It's all pretty awful, yet entertaining nonetheless.

No doubt about it, this is one piece of cinematic crap if there ever was one. But, it is likable in several respects. One, Dan Haggerty, he of golden mane (is it gold from all the cigarettes he smokes?) and large belly and beard. Two, the Elf doll is hilariously cheesy. It is like watching someone play with a toy. The thing must only have like one moving part. Three, the dialog is hilarious and the acting is horrendous. As a so bad its funny film, its definitely worth wasting an hour and a half on. But beyond that, this is really crappy. Even as a so bad its funny schlockfest, it could have been much better. It gets bogged down in an absurd conspiracy story about Nazis and the fourth Reich, so on. Although this retarded back story results in a great scene where a professor explains to Marlboro Man Haggerty ( actually they were Camels) the history of Nazis and elves at his Christmas dinner table. The name is false, as well, as there is only one elf.

My title might just be a little misleading. Dan Haggerty is in the film, but he doesn't so much deliver as he does seem lost and alone in a fairly awful movie. To begin, I'll point out what you've probably learned from every other "Elves" review available: There is only one Elf. Surely, you knew that already, but it simply can't be stressed enough. The fact that the movie's name itself is a lie doesn't bode well for this Christmas caper. The plot of "Elves" is simple enough: Nazi scientists create a Elf-like super solider capable of dominating the world, though the race can only succeed if our young heroine, Kirsten, is devirginized by one of them. I mean, honestly, this is movie gold, people. Throw Grizzly Adams in the mix and you've got a film as unstoppable as the Elves themselves. I found out myself that such an assumption is false beyond reckoning. To be sure, a story such as "Elves" is almost impossible to film without being considered a pitiful joke, but the producers should have simply avoided the project rather than drive Dan Haggerty's career even further into Hell. Much of the acting is borderline poor, though Haggerty's presence, as ex-cop Mike Mcgavin, does do something to retrieve the film's crumbling dignity. Fortunately for the cast of humans, the real star of the film, and therefore the most laughable aspect of the movie, is the Elf. At some point during the creation of the Elves, a Nazi scientist took it upon himself to make the beasts completely and totally useless as fighting machines. It's hard to imagine an Elf even being able to feed himself, and the only way they could succeed is if their victims were either infants, seniors, or suicidal vegetables. Well, them or anyone appearing in this movie. You see, the "Elves" cast seems to be uniquely bred for the sole purpose of not being able to defend themselves. An Elf is scarcely two feet tall, unarmed, and almost completely blind. He isn't any faster than the average double-amputee, and has nothing approaching magical powers. It just amazes me that anyone could be killed, even bothered by an Elf. But that's an appropriate microcosm for this film: If it doesn't really make sense, it doesn't matter, because we're "Elves" and we don't care. Perhaps the saddest result of "Elves" was the incalculable damage done to Dan Haggerty and his career. He had warmed our hearts as "Grizzly Adams," and done some, well, mediocre work in "Repo Jake." I'm not arguing that he's a talented actor. But his big, graying beard and calm, sedated demeanor don't deserve to be exploited in alley trash like "Elves." Oh, Dan, will you ever recover? Despite everything this movie has going against it, I had a great time watching it and have made it a habit to view it every couple of weeks. I know that seems confusing, but you have to realize that quality is hardly a prerequisite for enjoyment. I just finished writing another comment for the film "Jack-O," and an underlying theme in these two reviews is that a movie like this will be enjoyed by people like me: those who revel in garbage horror that really seems sincere. I love the genre, and I'd like to think there's others out there with the same agenda. Check out "Elves." It's a Christmas treat all year round.

OK, I'm normally not the kind of guy who thinks bad movies are funny. If I see a movie that is truly terrible, then I may have a couple of laughs, but I will be disappointed overall. That's why I am finding it hard to say, as nearly everybody who has seen the film does, that Elves is a bad movie. I loved it. I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard at a movie in all of my life. Here's a memorable quote. Grizzly Adams, let me repeat, GRIZZLY ADAMS: "Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis." If you find this line at all interesting or humorous then I have to say, SEE ELVES. The story: A Nazi grandfather has selectively inbred to create a girl who, when impregnated by an elf, will create the Nazi 4th Reich: An army of Nazi elves who will take over the world! Yeah, this plot is incredibly stupid, but you have to admit that whoever thought up this idea was a pretty creative individual, and I give him a lot of credit. The movie follows the young girl who is being hunted by a sex crazed elf and Grizzly Adams' character, who is doing everything in his power to try and help the girl. Grizzly is pursued by a group of unknown men who are attempting to stop his hunt for the elf at any cost. This results in an especially gut-busting scene in which we see Grizzly Adams dive roll out of a speeding car right before it explodes. HAHA! I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. Do you want to see a perverted department store Santa killed by a mutant elf who stabs him repeatably in the genitalia? See Elves. The acting is great, and by great a mean absolutely hilarious; it's NOT that bad, it's just really funny. I suppose I am really hyping this movie up. I watched it with a large group of friends who all claimed that the movie was bad, and yet they were laughing just as hard as me through the whole thing. Maybe you will think Elves is a bad movie, but I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.