Truly Dreadful Film

not horrible nor great

Awesome Movie

It's funny, it's tense, it features two great performances from two actors and the director expertly creates a web of odd tension where you actually don't know what is happening for the majority of the run time.

Coming across like a distant cousin of Gonks Go Beat, The Ghost Goes Gear and The Goodies and the Beanstalk this hour long TV special aired over Christmas 1970, and also marked the rather inglorious film debut of the Bee Gees, then reduced to a duo. Comparisons between Cucumber Castle and The Ghost Goes Gear are perhaps inevitable given that both were directed by the same man, one Hugh Gladwish. Just to give an idea of how forgotten Cucumber Castle now is, on the DVD commentary of The Ghost Goes Gear the moderator claims all his research suggests that Gladwish only directed that one film. Since then however it has come to light that Gladwish was also responsible for a public information film 'Look, Signal, Manoeuvre' about the dangers of motorcycles and of course this. Its perhaps understandable that the PIF's existence might have gone unrecorded, but stranger that Cucumber Castle has vanished into such total obscurity, not because its any good, but because it features what by the standards of 1970 must have been a fairly high profile cast.Set in medieval times, Cucumber Castle centres around two heirs to the throne (Barry and Maurice Gibb) and their dying father (Frankie Howerd). On his death bed King Frankie orders his kingdom to be separated into two halves, the Kingdom of Jelly and the Kingdom of Cucumbers. Not even waiting for the King to pop his clogs Barry soon proclaims himself "King of Cucumbers", while Maurice becomes "King of Jelly". That is about it plot wise, leaving the two Bee Gees time to perform an album's worth of songs in Carnaby Street court jester outfits, these include a love song between Maurice and his dog ("I see my dog lying under a table, I see him licking my brother's girlfriend's hand") although 'don't forget to remember' heard at the end is the best known of the bunch. They also get involved in some jaw droppingly bad comedy sketches as well, see Julian Orchard's wig get blown off, see King Maurice proclaim a toast at which point toast springs from a toaster and witness the two Bee Gees try and play tennis while dressed in full body armour. In keeping with that peculiar tradition in British Pop Musicals of casting the people you least expect to see in these things, a roll call that includes Kenneth Connor and Frank Thornton in Gonks Go Beat, Nicholas Parsons and Jack Haig in The Ghost Goes Gear and Lance Percival and Stanley Holloway in Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter, here we have Vincent Price as an evil Count (initially seen sporting vampire fangs) out to steal Barry and Maurice's royal chamber pot. Not to mention Spike Milligan as the Castle Idiot who puts on a silly voice and tells dreadful jokes ("why did the chicken cross the road…..to see Gregory Peck") to an unimpressed King Barry who promptly orders Spike's head to be cut off, only for Spike to reappear as a talking severed head. Playing virtually the same singing maid role that Shelia White did in The Ghost Goes Gear, Lulu also pops up to perform 'Morning of My Life' (a Gibb penned song also covered by Israeli duo Esther and Abi Ofarim) and 'Mrs. Robinson', exactly how the latter song ties in with a medieval setting only Lulu knows for sure.For some inexplicable reason the Bee Gees end up dressed as chickens and doing what appears to be an impersonation of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore as they watch short lived super group Blind Faith perform in Hyde Park. Curiously among the crowd of Hell's angels and hippies "all going wild and stripping off their clothes" according to Barry in his pseudo-Peter Cook voice there are glimpses of Donovan, Marianne Faithful and a worried looking Mick Jagger, all no doubt blissfully unaware they're to be edited into a film whose catchphrase is "my cucumber and I welcome you".The problem with Cucumber Castle is the Bee Gees themselves, they're singer/songwriters first and show little natural acting ability while their attempts at being funny also come across as rather forced. Surrounding them with old pros at this game tends to emphasize rather than overshadow this. Much of their music of this period which falls in-between whimsical psychedelia and romantic ballads, and that Gladwish likes to visualize with lots of 'introspective walking around a forest' type sequences, also seems at odds with the otherwise wall to wall medieval tomfoolery on display which cries out for a Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band soundtrack rather than a Bee Gees one.Not exactly a lost classic then, although its partly redeemed by Frankie Howerd's delightfully over the top turn as the King, a hypochondriac and "a bit of an old thespian", whose death scene ("I'm dying, I'm dying, owwww I'm dying") lasts the entire film allowing for some of his trademark direct to camera comments "is that Vincent Price, I should be doing that part, but all I'm doing is 'I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying'". Unfortunately during the filming of one scene an embarrassing blunder occurred when comedy actress Pat Coombs accidentally knocked Frankie's wig off, knowledge of this indignity along with the overall quality of the film might make you wonder if Frankie's deathbed quip when asked if he's going away "I wish I could but the film isn't finished yet" wasn't more than a little heartfelt.

you can enjoy watching this film with the whole family 'cos it's a fanny film treated as a funny tale... no sex, no violence, just fun and great music; the most remarkable is the wonderful bee gees music...i hardly recommend you to buy the cd cucumber castle.(you'll be surprised if you are waiting for any kind of bee gees fever, this is their previous music, you just buy it and listen to it...i promise you'll enjoy it so much!)

***SPOILERS AHEAD***If you're reading this, you're probably a Bee Gees fan who's wondering what on earth "Cucumber Castle" is all about. As one of the few people who has seen this thing, allow me to clear up a few mysteries. This is a hour-long TV-movie from the UK starring the Bee Gees and various colleagues. It's a whimsical, intentionally silly look at the medieval era, featuring Barry and Maurice as princes out to foil some kind of plot to steal the crown...I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, and the plot hardly matters anyhow. Along the way, they perform several songs that, because I'm not a fan, I can't identify for you.A lot of the jokes are too goofy by half, but it does have its amusing moments, the high point probably being Lulu's absurdly anachronistic performance of "Mrs. Robinson." At the end of all this, we're treated to footage of a Blind Faith concert. I forget why Blind Faith is in this film, but I believe this is supposed to be their only TV appearance.It's not a classic of any kind, but it's sometimes fun. Be warned that Barry and Maurice appear in this wearing ridiculous-looking tights.