Wow! Such a good movie.

Please don't spend money on this.

i must have seen a different film!!

Story: It's very simple but honestly that is fine.

There are three main films concerning the myth of Beowulf. The best, a wickedly good Robert Zemeckis motion capture version starring Ray Winstone, a lower budget one with Gerard Butler that hovers right around the average mark, and a third one starring Christopher 'Highlander' Lambert, and let me tell you this one defies any classification. It's set in a time that seems like a blend between both past and future, a sword and sorcery realm that's speckled with steam punk technology and very weird production design that looks post modern, yet not. Beowulf, played by the reliably daffy Lambert (an actor of little talent who has grown on me over the years by his craggy presence alone), is a lone warrior with a bleach blond hair dye job and some neato gadgetry in his weapon arsenal. I know, it sounds like I'm making this up. Haven't even gotten to the best part yet, which is the upbeat German techno score that ramps up the Euro feel of the whole thing to soaring heights of absurdity. Despite all that silliness, the film somehow works, and not just as a schlocky write off either. It's resolve lies dutifully in the firmament of its creative aesthetic, and doesn't skip a single odd duck of a beat the whole way. The monster Grendel which Beowulf must face off against resembles something of a cross between the Predator and Killer Croc, a scaly, spiky behemoth that rips through the little villages in the region like a tornado of teeth and claws. It's mother is even weirder: appearing to men in the form of actress Layla Roberts, (who looks suspiciously like a porn star) before morphing into a massive elaborate demon thingy that looks like a final boss from Starfox. Lambert is joined in his fight by sexy warrior Kyra (Rhona Mitra), and led on by King Hrothgar (Oliver Cotton). It's Beowulf like you've never seen before, a Krull esque, beyond the Stars sci-fi rendition that you'll either be in tune with or won't, either love, hate or just be super confused by. It's bonkers, and I love it.

If this movie saved its allowance for a year, did all of its homework, all of its chores, and went to bed on time every night. . .it might begin to qualify as a crappy movie. I haven't seen a film this bad. . .ever. I was initially enchanted by the opening of the film. I had to give it a little latitude for the opening FX, being as it was produced in a pre-WETA world, and I was willing to do that. I loved the whole scene with the mob and trying to execute the escapee, and I was thrilled by the initial design choices that were made (LOVED the over-sized straight razor as a decapitation device). But once Beowulf showed up, the dialogue sucked and the pace of the movie drew to a screeching halt. Stupid electric guitar music for all of the overly long action sequences started making me angry only a few minutes into the film and kept on throughout the rest of it. The only thing that I can say that was remotely interesting was the whole plot line with Grendal's mother and making her incredibly enticing as well as the source of "evil" in the world. But even that was poorly directed. I have no issue with sex on film. None at all. I don't even mind porn all that much, but for God's sake. . .I think it was her acting. Or maybe the crap dialogue. . .you know what? I didn't even like her much at all. Or anything else in the movie. Forget it, I don't want to review this any more. Save yourself the time, walk away from this one. Even on Netflix. Surely you've got more important things you could do with that hour and a half.

This movie has nothing to do with the epic Nordic tale of Beowulf and even less about making good movies. The tale is some kind of hash tossed together with a steampunk sci-fi plot using the names and plot frame from the Beowulf tale. It not only rips bits and pieces from movies like "Highlander" and "Mortal Kombat" but stars Christopher Lambert from both those movies. It was like they wrote parts of the movie after they casted the role of Beowulf. I can almost hear the producer telling the writer, "Hey, we scored Christopher Lambert for the lead. Write in some Mortal Kombat and Highlander lines and clichés!". Ugh, not that it helped or hurt this stinker which I only give 2 stars for Grendel's Mom. Who is basically a babe from Bay Watch and Playboy. This is a good guy movie or something stupid to toss on during a party and you know everyone is going to ignore it.

This will be brief because there isn't much to say...Post Apocalyptic retelling of the story stars Christopher Lambert as our hero. Good but low budget action sequence of Lambert rescuing a maiden from a mob opens the film and if you take it for what it is its not bad. The movie soon moves into a castle fortress where any action- mostly coming from interpersonal conflicts- winds down and we have a very talky increasingly dull film.I know that this film is hated by many people and after watching it on Monster the other day I can understand why. The film, after a reasonably beginning just falls off the table (hell its so memorable that I had to see a reference to the new version to remember I saw this old one). The good will of the first half hour is lost by the end of the second and odds are after that you'll be turning this off to find something else. To be honest I got an hour plus into this thing and found I had turned the channel to see what else was on. When I realized that I wanted to see how it ended I found that I had turned back after the movie had ended. Clearly not a ringing endorsement.At best a movie to have on in the background. At worst a snoozer