You won't be disappointed!

everything you have heard about this movie is true.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Mostly, the movie is committed to the value of a good time.

I'm a pretty big fan of the 'underwater monster' B-movie. CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON is the granddaddy of course, and JAWS the milestone against which all over movies have been judged/attempted to rip off over the past thirty-plus years. AQUANOIDS is somewhere between the two plot-wise, as humanoid-type creatures kill surfers and bathers at a beach, but there the resemblance ends. This is no-budget filmmaking at its very worst, utterly devoid of talent and interest and only worth watching to see how worthless it really is. The hardest thing to like about this film is the camera, which looks little better than your average home video; the shot on video format works against it, lessening the experience against other, better B-movies of the past.A number of those films are referenced by characters in one SCREAM-like post-modern conversation, giving away the fact that the filmmakers are fans of this sub-genre. It's a shame they couldn't do anything with the tired script and awful execution. The creatures are barely seen, and boast rubbishy PREDATOR-style vision; the attacks involve laughable gore effects and one rip-off "monster birth" sequence. The jokes are flat and the acting awful, and brief nudity does nothing to keep you watching. The film's so cheap that even the guns rarely fire and explosions are effected via some lame CGI work. As the leading bimbo, Laura Nativo is attractive enough, and strangely resilient to the perils of the poor script, but she can't save this wishy-washy monster flick from being a total disaster.

After watching Aquanoids I told myself that if I was going to see this one again it would be solely for the purpose of reviewing it. Seeing as how I'm writing this it means I have indeed done such a thing. As Aquanoids opens you spend a couple of minutes taking in the fact that this truly IS a low-budget film. REALLY low-budget. It's an amateur film. They open with an aquanoid attack in 1987 then jump 16 years in time. We later learn that 17 people were killed during that summer. Our heroine, looking like a bustier, less talented Eliza Dushku, is still mourning the loss of her mother that summer. She knows an aquanoid when she sees one and starts her crusade to close the beaches and stop the ferocious aquanoids. Vanessa says the aquanoidS are back, but we don't really see more than one at the time. The aquanoid costume probably represented one of the bigger posts on the meager budget. We should respect that. The mayor of course doesn't want the threat to leak out and takes a few precautionary measures. We also have some inquisitive reporters that don't really add much to anything. It's influence from superior films like, Jaws, Humanoids from the Deep and others are obvious. They even mention several of its predecessors. At least that shows the movie is self conscious. Not that it helps much, but a little.So just what's the deal with Aquanoids? Well, there are plenty of things to notice and reflect upon when watching it. Laurence Hobbs playing Jackson is one of the great things about this movie. Seeing his costume, a pair of pants and a grey t-shirt I can't help but wonder if that was what Hobbs put on when getting up that morning. Just put on whatever you have. His acting style is relentless! Jackson is utterly hilarious when exclaiming: "I can't believe it got into Lovers Cove!" Like that is something unbelievable. Was that a fact so terrible your mind simply refused to comprehend it? Jackson also witnessed one of the aquanoid attacks back in 87. He just happened to be standing at the beach with binoculars… at night. But, hey, so was I! Another wonderful scene is when Vanessa's friend at one point asks her for an opinion on something. She's made an impressive sign on the computer reading: DANGEROUS WATERS! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! Vanessa says: "I think that will work!". That is truly brilliant stuff! The evil mayor and father-of-the-year award winner at one point tell his daughter: "Now look, I don't want any alcohol at the party. We don't want to pump your stomach again!" He's playing the role of the concerned parent. While being evil! In all fairness he does singlehandedly represent all the acting credibility in the movie. Trying to earn it a higher rating we get a half-assed gory autopsy. I think we've seen enough scenes in other movies with an iron-stomach pathologist who eats while doing his thing. Do something else. At the end Vanessa learns that Jackson is in fact her father. She is shocked and I am shocked that she was shocked. We were both shocked. What shocked and disappointed me even more was her inability to get topless. I expected that from a title like Aquanoids. Others do though, in very random fashion.The technical aspects are quite, shall we say puritan? Whenever we have some underwater shots you can't help but think it's a pity the BBC wildlife photographer must have slept late that day. They make a daring attempt at split-screen. They even dazzle us with three different images at the same time! The scene itself isn't half-bad, with a somewhat dynamic car chase. A couple of times I could see their attempt to create a certain something in tone and even though the execution for the most part didn't work, it felt sincere. Bottom line is that YOU could probably make this film. It's quite possible to do. Just use whatever you have and improvise the rest. Aquanoids is by no means good, or particularly competent, but I'm still happy someone put an effort into making a horror movie, even if it was a pretty bad one.

Jaws was a great movie. Creature From The Black Lagoon wasn't a bad movie. There is no reason why their offspring should be a bad movie. And yet it is. Very bad.OK, so someone lends you a videocamera, gives you fortyseven quid, and suggests you should go and make a film. Here are the lessons you can learn from Aquanoids: 1. Start by writing a script where the dialogue is believable (eg. don't have your character saying "It's the missing surfer!" - we KNOW it's the missing surfer).2. Cast actors who can act, even if only a little bit.3. Find an editor who can edit and a director who can direct (see the sequence where the two girls go to the marina on scooters and then head out on the jetski for a masterclass in how not to do either).4. Steer clear of gratuitous video effects - what worked in Predator won't work if you can't afford to do it properly; 5. Avoid synthesiser music.6. Don't make a sequel when no-one ever made the original.7. Don't call your movie "Aquanoids" if there's only one Aquanoid.But I do award a point over the baseline minimum for a) the sheer gall of starting off with an appalling day-for-night cross between From Here To Eternity's rolling in the surf sequence and the Jaws opening sequence, and b) gratuitous boobage.This was in the cheapo cheapo DVD bin. I wuz robbed.

OK, it's obvious the budget on this movie wasn't huge...or big...or enough even, but I'm a sucker for rubber-suit monster flicks and Aquanoids delivers. It's shot well and the sound is clean most of the time. Some things don't make much sense, but it's about sea monsters, so leave your disbelief at the door, make some popcorn and give the DVD a spin.If you think the old Doctor Who episodes are too schlocky looking, or the monsters in Space 1999 ruin the plot line, then this movie probably isn't for you.If you want some gore, nudity, an above average for this type of movie plot and a cool looking monster than you'll probably enjoy Aquanoids. I'm not saying to run out and buy it, but it certainly worth an online rental for monster fans.