Very well executed

Absolutely the worst movie.

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

The movie runs out of plot and jokes well before the end of a two-hour running time, long for a light comedy.

I am a bad movie buff. But "Things" made me hate all of Canada by proxy. It is seriously that bad. I watched it TWICE. Once with a buddy. (He has not visited my house since then, so he might not be my buddy anymore. I don't blame him, really.) Then I showed it at a get-together with about a dozen friends who also love bad films. My hopes were that their good spirits and jolliness would find some seeds of corn in this turn. They were game - they tried to joke and laugh at it, but in the end it was Man vs. Machine. And, sadly, "Things"'s mean-spirited stupidity and bad sound quality triumphed over my friends' willpower - by the end, their spirits were broken. All they could do was sit there glumly and say mean things about my mom. I am a bad movie buff, so I thought I "needed" to see Things. I was wrong. If you are a bad movie buff, and you're considering this, back away slowly. Trust me. You do NOT need to see Things. It is worse than Curse of Bigfoot. It is worse than The Creeping Terror. It might not be worse than the soul-crushing dreariness that is Theodore Rex, but it's a toss-up. Get out while you still can. I actually BOUGHT this thing, and it's sitting on my DVD shelf right now. It's making me dislike the movies that sit next to it on the shelf by association. It's honestly that terrible.

Things. That's exactly what this movie is. A jumbled mess of obtuse things that don't fit together, being forced to co-exist in 85 minutes of sheer avant-garde brilliance. Everything about this movie is a complete enigma. The premise, the purpose, and the pretense of this movie, because it makes NO sense, it serves NO moral, and the biggest mystery is to whether the creators of this film intended to create a mocking masterpiece, or if they just fell completely steam-roller flat.The look of this film is reflective of the mindset of the film-makers involved: it's fuzzy, foolish, and downright foreign. Shot on 8mm, this Canadian epic is technically one of the worst films ever made. Everything about this movie is just wrong, from the framing, to the editing, to the sound mixing. Especially the sound mixing, because it's almost entirely dubbed, and everyone doing their lines seems completely out of their emotive mindset, it just ends up fascinating. The music is a mixture of mistaken synths melodies, airy repetition, and dastardly guitar riffs. The lighting is in eccentric Suspiria colors that vividly contrast our protagonist's blue sweater. The editing is jumpy, the shots linger far too long on people struggling to accomplish a relatively simple task such as putting on a shirt, or wiping off blood and goo with paper towels. It's only natural that the cast and crew had no idea how to film a regular movie, because they can barely dress themselves. Yet all this transcends typical technical inferiority and surmounts to something mesmerizing. A true testament to Canadian film-making.The plot involves things, and characters who encounter things, and unenthused conflicts brought about by things. After things start appearing, it becomes a survival story in the vein of The Evil Dead, only less coherent, less logical, and with a lot more beer and filler. Nearly half of this movie contains scenes that further the plot in absolutely no way, and sometimes even twist the story into a complete knot. Describing the story of Things is one of the toughest challenges mankind has faced, because the premise has yet to be deciphered. So when one wants to know about Things, it all boils down to a mustached mullet man in a blue sweater fighting off giant rubbery ants after his spectacle-wearing brother's wife gives birth to said things after having been artificially-inseminated by a satanic scientist... or something.Things is a strange case of the worst ingredients forming a completely happy accident. You have to be in a strange place to enjoy this movie, because it's so bad... it's beautiful. Some movies are described as nightmares on film, but most films are too coherent, or structurally sound, to encompass a true nightmare. A real nightmare makes no sense, and takes you from one place to another, so fluidly, that you don't even realize you're going there until you suddenly find yourself at that place. This is Things. A surreal mess of incompetent creatures and uncordial catastrophes, that you'll never truly understand, even after you have just experienced Things.

Where to begin? I have also seen what I thought was the worst horror movie ever made, that being "Night of Horror", but then I saw "Things" and everything changed.There is no doubt about it, Things is easily the worst horror movie ever made. It could also be the worst movie ever made. I have no idea how something this bad could end up on VHS and then on DVD years later. I can safely say I don't think we will ever see a bluray release. There's really no point haha.As much as I thought this movie sucked, I have to admit I loved watching most of it. The stuff between brothers Don and Doug is so bad it's awesome.Things makes little sense, features Amber Lynn in a totally throw away non-nude part(boo!), has terrible effects/lighting/audio and contains the worst acting known to man.I give it a 1/10 but also say it's a must see for anyone who loves bad horror flicks.

THINGS is notable mostly as a curio, being the mainstream(?) film launchpad of blue movie queen Amber Lynn. So popular was she in the jizz biz, it seemed inevitable that she'd do a non-sexual role. Well...in this stultifying mess, Amber demonstrates that she is, indeed, able to read(!). Her participation consists entirely of prerecorded video footage which features her as a news anchor, reporting a number of random idiocies on a t.v. in the house where this "movie" takes place. She looks just as if she were on a porn set, and reads blankly from a cue-card at the side of the camera(after suffering through a few moments of this, you'll be praying for Ron Jeremy to enter the scene and shovel his hairy business into her flapping maw just to keep her silent).What we're offered, besides the dramatic marvels of Ms. Lynn, is badly shot footage(sans synchronized sound)of drunk morons in a trashy house spouting bits of witless dialog, and a woman in the bedroom who dies while giving birth to several immobile paper-mache bugs that look like baked hams with spindly legs and fangs. That's about all I can say for certain, as THINGS is so unfathomably disjointed and illogically conceived. Sadly, I have little doubt that some will actually find reason to praise this garbage as some sort of "art brut" masterpiece, rhapsodizing with masturbatory ardor over its disorienting surreal quality and experimental concrete minimalism. God help them.1/10...a legitimate contender for "all time worst" accolades.