Wonderfully offbeat film!

Truly Dreadful Film

It is both painfully honest and laugh-out-loud funny at the same time.

Great example of an old-fashioned, pure-at-heart escapist event movie that doesn't pretend to be anything that it's not and has boat loads of fun being its own ludicrous self.

Pirates (1986)BOMB (out of 4) Captain Bartholomew Red (Walter Matthau) and his assistant The Frog (Cris Campion) are adrift at sea when they spot a ship. The two manage to get on board but run into an even more brutal captain.After a seven year hiatus, director Roman Polanski had another film on the big screen and it was greeted to very mixed reviews and it turned into a disaster at the box office. In all honesty, I'm downright shocked that anyone enjoyed this picture because to me it was a complete mess from the opening scene to the very last and it's without question the worst thing I've seen from Polanski. I might go even a step further and say it's one of the worst movies that you're ever going to see from a great director.So, what went wrong? For starters, I'm not even sure what type of movie this was trying to be. Was it meant to be an updated version of the type of film we saw Errol Flynn do back in the day? If so then why on Earth was Matthau cast in the picture? He's certainly not an actor star and it's just downright strange, to say the least, to see him trying to play one. I'm going to guess, at times, the film attempts to be a comedy, which is something Matthau could handle but Polanski has proved that comedy isn't his strong point. What attempts at comedy are here are downright embarrassing and beyond stupid. Just take a look at the long sequence dealing with the rat.The entire movie just seemed so uneven and so confused as to what it was trying to do that I'm really shocked Polanski got to do another movie. Especially when you consider how badly this one flopped and it's still not gotten an official DVD/Blu release in several major markets. The performances are bland to say the least and poor Matthau just wasn't meant for this role. Sure, the costumes and sets look terrific but that didn't add any entertainment to an incredibly bland, bad and embarrassing movie.

Roman Polanski is a fish out of water in this high seas mess that sinks early. Lurching between comedy and drama it never gets much of a footing as it erratically veers off course for two hours. Adrift at sea Captain Red and Jean Baptiste save their lives by crawling onto a Spanish galleon displaying poor manners and get themselves tossed in the brig. On board the ship is a gold throne that Red is determined to take ownership of once he gets the crew to mutiny. Sumptuously photographed with a lush set design Polanski stumbles through it all setting an inconsistent tone from the outset as he attempts to give it a Terry Gilliam dark humor that seems beyond his grasp. A bit of a disappointment given the suspense director made the very funny Fearless Vampire Killers in his younger days with a dark comic wit that took the Dracula theme in a totally different direction. Here he allows things to drag and his comic timing is woefully late. Matthau as Red is decent enough to deserve a better script but overall performances are heavy handed, scene after scene lacks rhythm and a slap happy music score does it no favors. Pirates is one scattered disaster of a picture. Scuttle this scow.

Walter Matthau played many villains in his career, but his performance of the greasy, dirty, thoroughly charismatic Thomas Bartholemew Red is one of the best. Pulling out all stops (presumably with the blessings of director Roman Polanski) Matthau acted as the personification of guile and greed. He is seen floating on a raft at the beginning with his one loyal crewman "Frog" (Chris Campion), and are rescued by a Spanish galleon that they learn is carrying a treasure (a golden throne) and the daughter of a Spanish Governor. Matthau gets started stirring up the crew's discontent, in order to take over the galleon. But despite his stratagems, it is not easy - due to the countermeasures of Don Alfonso De la Torres (Damien Thomas), who is as ruthless in his way as Matthau is.This film would be memorable for just one moment I never forgot - to stir up the crew to mutiny, Red and Frog "find" a dead rat in the crew's food. The rat is brought to the attention of Torres. Instead of stammering apologies, Torres asks the pertinent question if any other rats were found in the food or on the ship. The crew thinks about it, and have to admit none were. So there is only this rat. Torres looks at the rat, and points out it looks like it isn't' even the type of rat found on boats at sea. It looks like a land rat - in which case, the rat was planted. So who found it? Red and Frog are brought forward. Torres does not beat them. He takes his sword, and cuts the dead rat in half. He gives half to each man, and tells to eat it. With some self-control, both men finish their half of the rat!Later was another scene regarding camera angles and bathtub shots. Roy Kinnear was playing a seventeenth century fence, who is useful to Matthau and the other pirates, but universally disliked (he gets his cut from the treasures, but he never puts his own life on the line regarding getting the treasures). Kinnear is taking a bath when Captain Red is announced. He knows that Red particularly dislikes him. A moment later Red is standing before the naked Kinnear in his steaming tub. While a disgusted Kinnear watches (we see Red from the back) the pirate urinates into Kinnear's bathtub.Any film with two sequences like that is unforgettable and entertaining.

Judging by the comments this is a love / hate kinda debate. Personnaly, this is definitely a love thing for me. This is one of the most memorable movie I've seen as a kid. Pirates have always been my thing anyway, but that movie just hits the spot. Forget Errol Flynn, men in tights, daring do, platonic romance, this is a dirty, gritty, sometimes macabre affair, but always funny, and the duo lead actor works wonderfully.If you've seen Pirates Of The Caribbean (who hasn't), you'll see that it borrowed an awful lot from Polanski's. I definitely recommend it, an awesome pirate flick! - I haven't seen the English version, but the French version is more than adequate. No silly accents, sharp dialogs, very good.