An absolute waste of money

It's a good bad... and worth a popcorn matinée. While it's easy to lament what could have been...

True to its essence, the characters remain on the same line and manage to entertain the viewer, each highlighting their own distinctive qualities or touches.

Great example of an old-fashioned, pure-at-heart escapist event movie that doesn't pretend to be anything that it's not and has boat loads of fun being its own ludicrous self.

So I caught this on Encore Family the other night and half way through I was wondering why I hadn't heard of this version of 'Jack and the Beanstalk' before this. It's draped in a slew of stars from Gilbert Gottfried to Chloë Grace Moretz as well as amazing cameos from Chevy Chase to Katey Sagal with James Earl Jones as the voice of the giant. Jack (played by Colin Ford in his debut film role) is an outcast at school, he doesn't quite fit in to the fairy tale sort of scene where his classmates like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming (Billy Unger) excel. On top of that he is dogged by the stigma of his absentee father who famously deserted his family and left them for poor. A chanced meeting with a mysterious shopkeeper changes the course of his life forever as he embarks on a journey of heroism, friendship and redemption. Christopher Lloyd co-stars.

A fairy tale character who is about to flunk out of fairy tale school, Jack must perform a heroic deed by Monday or fail miserably, just like his father before him. Anxious to make good, Jack sells his C.O.W. (Computer of Wonder) for a handful of magic beans and a mysterious book that records his adventures as he's having them.It's a cross between a bad kids movie and sarcastic adult fare. There are many problems with this film. The production looks like a bad kids TV show. Much of the movie is colored too far to the yellow and made this look very tired. The sets look cheap and cheesy. Gilbert Gottfried as the golden egg laying goose is another one of the many problems. He is ill-fitting in this kids film. Then again the jokes are really stupid. Chloë Grace Moretz is playing a small role as the damsel in distress in the opening fantasy and Jillian who helps out in the quest. Colin Ford is OK if lacking in screen presence. And everybody is doing badly here which is disappointing considering the many favorite actors here. And this starts with an unreasonable modern dream sequence. If this takes place in an old fantasy land, why would he dream about the modern day. Like so many things here, it's best not to think about it.

You know how your granny complains that they never make nice films any more, that the whole family can sit down and watch? This was clearly designed by your granny, as something nice and old fashioned; the trouble is, I think the old bird's getting a bit senile.It goes like this: Jack lives in fairyland, where everything is a fairy story, and he wants to be a hero. But in order to do so, he has to go on a quest and learn about things like Sacrifice and Perseverance and I'm sorry I just can't go on. I just can't.It's not the clichéd plot that kills this movie. It's not even the hideous, explosion-in-a-cuteness-factory design of the sets. It's the acting, and the characters. They're just AWFUL. Jack himself is the kind of precocious brat who needs a good whack upside the head, but he's nothing compared to poor Christopher Lloyd, who is forced to explain every joke very slowly, over and over, as though he's speaking to an audience that's suffering from major brain damage. Lloyd is better than the frantically mugging Wallace Shawn, who plays multiple roles, all of them dreadful. Even that shameful performance is far, far better than Gilbert Gottfried, who is just insufferable as a human chicken. Did no one look at that character? Did no one think that maybe, just maybe, a movie with that horrible, screeching nincompoop at the centre of it might be a bad idea? The only cast member who comes out of this mess with any dignity intact is Chloe Moretz, who filmed this just before she went on to fame in Kick-Ass. I think it's safe to say she won't be putting this movie in her show reel, though.This is an old-fashioned family film, in all the wrong ways. It's far too twee and cloying for adults, and much too cutesy for kids who have been brought up on the harder edges of Pixar or Disney movies. There's never any sense of even slight danger, so that it's impossible for adults or kids to get involved in the film. I wouldn't recommend letting your kids see Kick-Ass, but there are a thousand better movies for them than this.

It was beginning to look like a good story. Then the cheesiness came into play. A bit over acted and silly. Again, maybe the very young kids will like this adaptation. I soon lost interest and wished Gilbert Gottfried (the goose) would just shut up already.The creation of Jack and the Beanstalk, I believe, was hurried and not too much focus on creation. I mean, the giant was not even a giant, more like a big puppet, etc.Most likely you will take the kids along to a theater to see and hope they will enjoy just the silliness of it all and not my luck of seeing a screener as an adult and no kids along while expecting a totally different style of movie. A More serious adaptation maybe? I think Disney would have done a better job.My forecast for reviews of Jack and the Beanstalk will be, in grade level, user's (C) and critics (C). Or a 5 rating in IMDb.