Touches You

Good movie but grossly overrated

This story has more twists and turns than a second-rate soap opera.

The movie turns out to be a little better than the average. Starting from a romantic formula often seen in the cinema, it ends in the most predictable (and somewhat bland) way.

A crack team of elite federal agents take on arch criminal the Warrior (an effectively imposing portrayal by brawny pro wrestler Marcus Bagwell), a real no-count baddie who not only runs a nefarious operation that's into everything from porn to diamond smuggling, but who also has managed to hack into main computer files and obtain top secret information on all the agents. Writer/director Andy Sidaris happily indulges in his trademark blithely adolescent and hence highly entertaining cinematic mix of wonderfully extensive gratuitous distaff nudity, sizzling soft-core sex, a generous sprinkling of bloody violence, enormous splashy explosions, an amusing sense of self-mocking campy humor (a fierce wrestling match pitting two agents against the Warrior in particular is absolutely gut-busting), and clumsily staged action set pieces. Naturally, there's the customary gaggle of gorgeous gals to keep things hopping (and bouncing) along: divinely tall'n'leggy Amazonian goddess Julie Strain as commander Willow Black, delicious busty blonde Julie K. Smith as the sassy Cobra, impossibly buxom brunette Shae Marks as Tiger, the tasty Raye Hollitt as ruthless evil babe Kym, and yummy brunette Tammy Parks as Scorpion. The rest of the cast likewise have a ball with the kitschy material: Kevin Light and Cristian Letelier as quite likable as a couple of hunky agents, Sidaris movie regular Rodrigo Obregon sleazes it up nicely as oily henchman Manuel, and Gerald Okamura is a total hoot as Asian Elvis impersonator Fu. Mark Morris' polished cinematography gives the picture a neat glossy look. Both Ron Di Iulio's cool jazzy rollicking score and the roaring trash rock soundtrack further enhance the infectiously cheesy merriment. A complete schlocky riot.

After a break of two movies, Andy Sidaris takes back the directorial reigns from his son Christian, but by this point his "Bullets, Bombs and Babes" series has devolved into complete camp (the climax is a private pro-wrestling match: Julie Strain and Gerald Okamura vs. Marcus "Buff" Bagwell). Undeniably there are some funny lines and situations in this film (the Asian Elvis impersonator, the owl that gets blasted with a shotgun, etc.), but some of the action scenes are embarrassingly bad, and the padding to stretch the movie to 90 minutes is all-too-obvious (Sidaris spends about half the running time showing us how the characters travel from point A to point B). The new member of the female cast, Shae Marks, has a gorgeous face, a beautiful smile, and breasts so enormous they are more distracting than erotic. The only woman who shows some action potential is Raye Hollitt - but Sidaris drops the ball again when he sets up a catfight between her and Julie K. Smith and then has her defeated with a single punch! What a shame. If you take this film as a comedy it may get ** out of 4, but if you're looking for action subtract one star.

Some direct-to-video action films aren't half bad. Some are so bad they've given DTVs the reputation they've developed. DAY OF THE WARRIOR falls in the latter category. I was working at Blockbuster Video in 1997 when this movie hit the shelves. As soon as I saw the cover (featuring two girls whose outfits looked like it could barely contain them while they each held some big automatic weapons), I knew I had to see it. Forget about a story. Heck, forget about intelligence. This film is about some of the most physically-endowed girls I've ever seen trying to stop a terrorist (who looks like a WWF reject) from doing some evil plot. I don't even remember what the guy was up to, and it's probably just as well. This film has nothing going for it with the exception of a good dose of flesh and gunfire. Shae Marks is hot, and deserves a special award for being not one, not two, but three of the best things about this movie.

For a low budget, b-rated film, this movie really stinks. It's another one of those, just face and looks, type of movie. No acting, very stupid action sequences, and a very sorry cast of brainless misfits who try to masquerade as the next Bond group.