Such a frustrating disappointment

Sadly Over-hyped

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

One of the film's great tricks is that, for a time, you think it will go down a rabbit hole of unrealistic glorification.

"Vampire Hookers" (1978) has been issued under a dizzying array of alternate titles, but apparently this was its only theatrical monicker. For his lone feature shot in the Philippines, 72-year-old John Carradine looks splendid in an immaculate white suit and sombrero, playing a vampire with the startlingly original name of Richmond Reed (his own birth name). Whether quoting Shakespeare, which he enjoyed doing all his life, or wondering if Walt Whitman was a vampire, Carradine never fails to pump some much needed life (pun intended) into the often tired proceedings. Of the three young beauties who bring their victims to Reed's hidden underground lair, former Playboy Playmate Lenka Novak is the only recognizable face, having done similar work as 'Linda Chambers' in 1977's "The Kentucky Fried Movie." The IMDb biography for Lenka Novak is skimpy on details, but it was apparently written by a dedicated fan, who did a good job encapsulating her numerous credits. Karen Stride went on to do only two more features, while Katie Dolan never made another film. Although not blessed with great acting skills, they are lovely to look at, despite only appearing topless, while the slow-motion sex is botched by director Cirio H.Santiago, who indulges far too much footage to the unfunny flatulence of Vic Diaz, whose servant character yearns to one day become a vampire himself (a pity he gets his wish). Carradine would go on to play Dracula one final time, in another 1978 comedy "Nocturna," a vanity film for star and producer Nai Bonet, admittedly a beautiful dancer who gyrates nicely for the camera. Only three more titles offered the veteran character actor top billing- "The Best of Sex and Violence," "The Scarecrow" (both 1981),and "Demented Death Farm Massacre...The Movie" (1986), from director Fred Olen Ray.

Amiable horny sailors Tom Buckley (likable Bruce Fairbairn) and Terry Wayne (the equally engaging Trey Wilson of "Raising Arizona" fame) are looking for some female action while on shore leave in the Philippines. The duo run afoul of droll vampire count Richmond Reed (the ubiquitous John Carradine hamming it up with his usual eye-rolling aplomb) and his three gorgeous sex-starved bloodsucking nymphets Cherish (luscious brunette Karen Stride), Suzy (comely blonde Lenka Novak), and Marcy (deliciously voluptuous knockout Katie Dolan). Veteran exploitation feature director Cirio H. Santiago and screenwriter Howard R. Cohen offer a constant barrage of amusingly dumb jokes about such topics as eating duck, transvestites, the inevitable barroom brawl, and Bloody Mary drinks (groan!). This flick reaches its gloriously ghastly peak during a marvelously protracted ten minute orgy sequence set to crudely thumping and monotonous disco music that seems to go on forever. The cast have a field day with their broad parts: Fairbairn and Wilson make for affable leads, Carradine recites poetic dialogue with infectiously hearty gusto, and legendary Filipino B-movie favorite Vic Diaz is a gas (literally!) as Pavo, a bumbling idiotic servant who desperately wants to be a vampire and suffers from severe flatulence (he even backfires in his coffin!). Better still, Stride, Novak and Dolan are all smoking hot babes who aren't the least bit bashful about baring their beautiful bodies. Both the competent cinematography by Johnny Araojo and Ricardo Remias and Jamie Mendoza-Nava's generic ooga booga score are suitably cheesy. The goofy ending credits theme song is absolutely priceless. Sure, this picture is total schlock, but it's way too good-natured in its campy stupidity to either resist or dislike. A hilariously dippy hoot and a half.

I dunno. Do you give points for enthusiasm? This is like John Landis's "Schlock" or "A Polish Vampire in Burbank." The script reads like Hecht-MacArthur for morons. "Coffins are for being laid to rest, not for being laid." Like that. But the botched attempt to be snappy means that it looks REALLY good up against the trudgery of Astro-Zombies or my last Filipino outing, Curse of the Vampire. John Carradine must have been on set at least two or three days, and they give him some Whitman and Shakespeare to recite for old times sake. There are three vampire babes - the blonde does a great Swedish deadpan - and they do this endless ten-minute three-on-one sex scene, complete with wah-wah guitar, with this guy who might as well BE Steve Guttenberg. He must have been a co-producer. They live in the cemetery under this stone trap door which closes with a perfect styrofoam 'thud'. The music cues cut in and out abruptly all over the climax. The theme song, bearing the original title "Vampire Hookers," is goofy and tasteless, like the rest of the movie, which gives you xenophobia (locals feed the sailors duck embryos) and homosexual panic (a cross-dresser at a urinal, plus the line "Hey! You've got balls!") in the first five minutes. But I am also responding to the fact that this is a film of legend, which Sean Welbourn described to me in wonderment back in Grade 11. It is the film with the guy who sucks his farts through a hose. This actually happens. What does NOT happen is, nobody says "Sounds like a fart - let's get out of here!" My world is shattered. But I guess it's better to know. I'm rating it low as a push to get it on the bottom 100, it's some kind of glory anyway.

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.