The Worst Film Ever

Good concept, poorly executed.

Each character in this movie — down to the smallest one — is an individual rather than a type, prone to spontaneous changes of mood and sometimes amusing outbursts of pettiness or ill humor.

It’s fine. It's literally the definition of a fine movie. You’ve seen it before, you know every beat and outcome before the characters even do. Only question is how much escapism you’re looking for.

A pair of newlyweds can't consummate their marriage because the groom passes out whenever he's close to coitus but with the help of a sexy psychiatrist and the liberal doses of LSD she administers with an atomizer, the young man is able to mount ...er, surmount his obsession with Mother Goose stories. An obscure '60s sex comedy that wallows in innocuous bad taste and stars real-life queer Tommy Kirk as a milquetoast who can't get it up and handsome he-man Jacques Bergerac as his randy contrast. Jacques' got a sexy French accent that makes him hard to understand at times but who cares, he supplies beefcake in spades with a chest as hairy as the bearskin rug he lies on and it's easy to see what got Ginger & Dottie hot. He's also the owner of the resort hotel the couple are honeymooning at and even the house dick falls for him after ending up in the Frenchman's arms during a brawl. L.A. radio personality Joe Pynes (who dat?) plays himself as does Henny Youngman in a cameo at the drive-in where this movie most likely unspooled. The wholesomely attractive TV actress Anne Helm (a poor man's Annette Funicello) plays the frustrated frau but it's a former Miss Canada, Danica D'Hondt, who takes the cheesecake as Kirk's shapely shrink. Although shot on the cheap using one location, there's an un-PC night out on the town at the Hollywood A Go-Go that climaxes in drunk driving for laughs and Barbara McNair's on hand (or at least her voice is) to sing "Queen Of Soul". Tommy croons the title tune, "Mother Goose A Go-Go" ("You're a quack/Get off my back"). Oh, brother. Jacques Bergerac, star of stage, screen, and tabloid scandal, was a tall, dark, and handsome staple on '60s TV in such shows as ALFRED HITCHCCOCK PRESENTS, PERRY MASON, DANIEL BOONE, and BATMAN. The strapping 6'3" actor was like a suave, Gallic version of Mike Henry and if he'd made only THE HYPNOTIC EYE, it would have been enough. Married to Oscar winners Ginger Rogers and Dorothy Malone (but not at the same time), his career never scaled those heights but he did become an executive at Revlon after retiring from show biz.

"Unkissed Bride" is a very, very broad comedy. When I say broad, I mean that it's low-brow and appeals to the dopier part within us. So, when goofy things occur, it's often accompanied by silly sound effects such as 'boing'! This is NOT an intellectually stimulating film by anyone's standards! But is it funny? More about that later in my review.The film has a very simple plot. On his wedding night, Ted (Tommy Kirk) discovers that he's struck impotent and unable to consummate his marriage. So, he goes in search of a psychiatrist (the sexy, very well-endowed variety in this case) and works through his various issues. What this means is that there are a variety of skits and fantasy sequences about sex. Yet, oddly, for a sex film, there really isn't any sex--just lots of suggestive situations and gorgeous women. And to facilitate these flashbacks, the psychiatrist uses drugs....lots and lots of drugs. It's very much a portrait of the times--and the liberalization of films and mores.As for the film, it's jokes are mostly hit and miss--with a strong emphasis on MISS! In some ways, it comes off as a much, much, much cheaper version of "Amazon Women on the Moon" as well as "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)". The music is rather cheap and sometimes sounds like the stuff you might expect to hear in a 60s burlesque house. The acting is generally very cheesy and the script isn't exactly deep. In many ways, I think it's a film teenage boys would like a lot more than adults. It's much more a weird film as opposed to being a good film! Actually, now that I think about it, it is awfully dumb.

This film is also known as "Mother Goose-A-Go-Go" which I think is a better title as it is about a young groom (Tommy Kirk from Old Yeller of all things) who is obsessed with Mother Goose nursery rhymes, a problem which messes up his love life with his new bride. The film almost has an experimental feel to it. There are several points where you may ask yourself "Are they serious?" What makes the film even stranger is that it is mostly done with a straight face. It has a cheap look to it but there is a cool, nostalgic scene set in a 1960s night club. It's hard to tell what the producers had in mind when they made this. The final result though can only be described as "weird!"