Highly Overrated But Still Good

I really wanted to like this movie. I feel terribly cynical trashing it, and that's why I'm giving it a middling 5. Actually, I'm giving it a 5 because there were some superb performances.

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

This is a coming of age storyline that you've seen in one form or another for decades. It takes a truly unique voice to make yet another one worth watching.

You can see the appeal when pitched - gangster and Hollywood star fight over beauty pageant favourite - but the execution from dialogue to staging is so horrible as to miss out on any possible positive result. The poor acting of the leads is only emphasised by assigning them long, rambling voiceovers in addition to dialogue, and the approach to the beauty pageant is incredibly 1970's and misogynistic, like a 12-year-old's staging of the whole idea.Hidden somewhere is a worthy plot about international exploitation - something like "Traffic" - but it's incredibly well concealed. Meanwhile everything looks exactly like the budget available - the beauty pageant is in a London theatre but a really small one, the gangster's supposedly plush house is errrrr... kinda OK but not really spectacular. The music is adequate but doesn't really sound like it was composed for this movie, which must be some kind of problem...It all feels bizarrely as if no-one involved with the entire process actually had English as their native language, which is ... really weird. The oddest thing is that it doesn't LOOK like one of those Z-list, shot on video, indie exploitation movies you find in Pound shops (though that's where I found it), it's just really, really badly done.

Tony Schiena plays Hollywood action hero, four-time martial artist champion, and all around schmuck Joey Scalini. After wrapping up on a current production, he travels to England to visit his long time gangster friend Dragos Molnar (Jones), and to act as a co-judge in an internationally televised beauty pageant called the Miss Fashion and Cosmetics World Competition, which, by the way, is also sponsored by Dragos, the intent being to put a legitimate face on his criminal enterprises. Joey soon finds himself surrounded by beautiful women, but one in particular catches his eye, the contestant from the United Kingdom named Tatiana (McAllister), who, in fact, turns out to be Dragos' number one girl…you see, Dragos, while married with children, shares his home with any number of women whom he grooms for success, the only stipulation being they allow him to snog them whenever he feels like it (apparently Dragos and his wife have an understanding). Anyway, as the "competition" begins, we're treated to some really rotten lip syncing by various contestants (here's a tip, when fake singing, actually hold the microphone to your gob instead of waving it around…that way it might appear to the more moronic viewers the words coming off the tape are actually coming from your mouth), followed by the swimsuit competition held in Dragos' new nightclub (the Nigerian contestant sure sports a lot of junk in her trunk). After a couple really lousy, hideous rap acts stink up the joint, the contestants and judges start dancing, allowing Joey to grind on Tatiana in front of Dragos who's sitting in audience, to which he reacts by kicking out the audience, barring the doors, and turning the place into an Ultimate Fighting Championship arena, as Joey must now fight not only a series of Dragos' muscle bound bodyguards, but finally Dragos himself in an all or nothing scenario. If Joey wins (no one wins with this film, especially not the viewers) he gets to leave with the girl, and if he loses, well, let's just say it's the end of his supposedly promising career (along with his life)…oh, did I mention all of this is being televised around the world?I wanted to like this movie (I like the Vinnie Jones), I really did, but it was just so damn disappointing. If you're coming into this looking for some action, I'd suggest skipping the first hour all together, as it's only a overly long, drawn out, and painful set up for the big fight sequence at the end. Even when the action does cut in, it's really not worth it given how poorly it was executed and shot. I did learn a number of things while watching this film, though…1. Internationally televised beauty pageants sponsored by gangsters are most likely fixed. 2. London is the style capital of the world. 3. One way to deal with being in love with a woman you can't have is to make it with two, sleazy women simultaneously. 4. If you're a beauty contestant who is also the property of the guy running the show, don't sing a song about being in love with someone else and make cow eyes towards that person while performing, as it tends to really upset your sugar daddy.There were quite a few things wrong with this movie, the main elements being the rotten script, predictable story, and the simplistic direction. The acting felt shoddy throughout, but I'd attribute that more to the three, previously mentioned factors than the performers themselves. I really didn't care for the main character much, as he seemed like a real sleaze, only interested in scoring with babes. At one point he claims to be in love, but then we see him making the scene with two women while looking at the headshot of the woman he's supposedly in love with, as if to say "Yeah, I'm making it with two babes, but I'm really thinking of you", which comes off as somewhat repulsive. To top it off, the guy was a real idiot, putting the moves on a woman he had been told numerous times by his gangster friend to stay clear of, with the threat of severe bodily harm implied. The dialog is incredibly insipid, often trying to sound all cool and such, but failing miserably, which really drags that first hour out into a real painfest. This isn't helped by the direction, as the movie is populated with flashbacks, recollections, unsteady, up close shots, and a whole lot of slow motion sequences and establishing shots (we get it, the story takes place in London given all the cockney accents and the visual of Big Ben…enough with the traveling montages already). It seemed like the director tried to incorporate an 'arty' feel using tricks he'd perhaps seen others employ, only here it was obvious and only served to disrupt the overall flow. The big fight sequences in the last fifteen minutes wasn't all that thrilling, especially since one would have to figure Joey would make it through the various thugs in order to get to the big showdown with Dragos. As far as Pat Morita, I don't know what his purpose was in the film, other than to pick up a check and lend his name to the production, as his character was fairly insignificant to the story. All in all unless you were in this film as an extra, or are a glutton for cinematic punishment, I really can't see anyone going out of their way to see this dud as it was about as much fun as stepping on a toenail clipping imbedded in the carpeting in the middle of the night on your way to relive yourself.Cookieman108

The Number One Girl may be better titled as "The Worst Film Ever!" What we have here is an advert for DTV avoidance and a film that perhaps only serves to make Steven Seagal's movies look a hell of a lot better. This is nonsensical garbage of the highest order.The films plot is bizarre and perhaps the worst excuse for action I have ever heard. Action star Joey Scalloni (Tony Schiena) visits his old buddy Dragos (Vinnie Jones) in England. Dragos is a big time gangster who runs a brothel but also organises a world beauty pageant. Scalloni the big Hollywood star comes to England to judge the competition. The UK entrant is Tatayana, one of Vinnie Jones girls and favoured bits on the side and one of the first things Scalloni is told is not to think of trying it on with her. So for the first hour of this boring snoozes the film is essentially just Dragos and Scalloni hanging out like good old buddies whilst also watching over the pageant. Then during the swimwear judging competition, Scalloni is invited on stage to dance with the final ten participants, including Tatayana. This is by the way on live TV and with Dragos watching from the best seat in the house. Scalloni for little apparent reason decides to damn near have full sex with Tatayana on stage with millions watching. This leads to Dragos going nuts, and hijacking the building. He gives Scalloni an ultimatum: Fight his way through his goons and Dragos himself, or he and the girl die! It's as moronically simple as that! The last 20 minutes is purely Tony Schiena fighting numerous enemies, one at a time in the same place. It's all dully choreographed and poorly performed, looking more like practice, blocking tapes.So the plot is nonsense but does the cast pull this through? Nope, not at all. Schiena, who wasn't bad in Wake Of Death, is terrible given a lead role here. He's wooden, amateurish and really just plain old bad. Vinnie Jones is also terrible. Lisa McAllister stars as Tatayana, the number one girl, and although she's suitably gorgeous, she's a terrible actress too. In fact there are a host of terrible actors who seem as if they were hired off the street. It's home movie acting at its worst. That goes hand in hand with the mundane, home movie type cinematography and this film, reportedly shot for $5 million, is seemingly much, much less than that. Only a sadly frail looking Pat Morita, in one of his last roles, retains any pride here, and even he is shockingly below par. Director Luc Campeau is terrible and in his debut here, fails to create anything remotely interesting or exciting aside from the promising opening scene. Truth is from the opening I thought this film showed promise, with a nifty credits sequence combining with a glimpse of Scalloni shooting the final scene of his latest blockbuster. It's nicely edited and an interesting sequence which only makes the diabolically bad remainder of the film, all the more shocking. This is something to avoid at all costs and has no redeeming qualities. *

This is a pretty amusing picture, as long as you watch it on fast forward. No, amusing is too generous. As a five to ten minute exercise in head shaking it is adequate. The more you watch the more you wonder who put up money for such a fiasco. *** SPOILER *** It's over an hour in before the protagonist irks the antagonist enough to to make him reroute the course of a ludicrous beauty pageant into a -- dare I say it -- martial arts contest. *** SPOILER *** Alert the media. Oh, wait, the media is already there. Anyway there are some guys in the control booth thinking they've got a hot number here. The more I think about what I saw the more pathetic it gets. The movie had a good poster. Probably has an okay trailer. Probably did okay at film markets. But the movie itself is boring drivel. Drivel is fine if it's entertaining. This is not.