Undescribable Perfection

Sorry, this movie sucks

Simply A Masterpiece

An old-fashioned movie made with new-fashioned finesse.

This movie is all about the legendary adventures of Troy McGregor and Zap Rowsdower, two rugged Candian gents who wage a battle of will and raw determination, against the evil cult leader Satoris and his many hooded henchmen. While they follow an old map that was made by Troy's long-deceased dad, the boys are running around the wilderness of South-Eastern Alberta Canada, in an effort to locate the long lost city of the Ziox civilization. Throughout the movie Satoris is determined to get the map, because he believes it will "supply me with an army of invincible warriors" in addition to finding the legendary city of the Ziox, as they are, in his own words, the only race "that has achieved perfection". Somewhere in between all this is an old crusty hermit by the name of Mike Pipper, who is an ally to the party of McGregor and Rowsdower, for it's old man Pipper who decodes the mystery behind of the map - one which Satoris will stop at nothing to obtain and yet he's foiled by the trio of McGregor/Rowsdower/Pipper. Let me offer up something of a cast run-down: We have a 90-pound weakling, a dumpy, middle-aged, bemulleted, drunkard and a old crusty hermit.The main thrust behind this profoundly amateurish Canadian-made film, appears in the form of numerous tepidly-staged action scenes, which without exception, feature lots of ski-mask n' tank-top clad Canadian cultist's, who are running around in woods in pursuit of Troy and Rowsdower. The other aspect that forms this epically lame movies plot, involves the pseudo-mythological, nonsensical-garbage surrounding the Ziox civilization. The Final Sacrifice was made on the astonishingly minuscule budget of $1,500 and this fact is made painfully obvious throughout every minute of the movie. Not surprisingly this film looks and sounds terribly cheap, from it's pitifully bad sets - to the model that's supposed to represent the Ziox city and of course all the old crappy cars and trucks, that the cultists are often seen driving - making tracks all over South-Eastern Alberta, in the vein quest for the map. As the guy's from MST3K pointed out, the music featured in this movie sounds like video-poker music..... whatever the music's inspiration is, it flat-out sounds laughably terrible and further increases this films boundlessly entertaining quality.When watching The Final Sacrifice a profound lack of talent and funding is constantly in evidence and that fact permeates every second of this terrible, yet remarkably endearing movie. For me it's this films ridiculous casting that I love so much and when a films "heroes" are this pathetic you really shouldn't expect much from the rest of it's cast, such is the case here; because everything about this movie represents complete and utter mediocrity at it's finest - as you'll plainly see when you pop in The Final Sacrifice. Nearly the entirety of the movie is one big underwhelming chase, with only a few breaks (from the wrath of Satoris and his masked henchmen) every now and then, generally in an attempt to develop the story - these scenes are of a typically plodding and tedious nature. The main reason why The Final Sacrifice is so outlandishly funny, is because of it's main characters, however, there's just as little talent behind the camera as there is in front of it. This wretched, yet strangely compelling, little Canadian-made film effectively functions as a clinic on "how-not-to-make-a-movie". And even if it isn't the worst movie ever made - it's always right up there.I now must set aside some space especially for Zap Rowsdower (played by Bruce J. Mitchell), because as I see it, he's easily the films best character. First off, just -where- did they find this guy, working at a gas station, at lumber-jack camp??? In any case he doesn't look like he should be in front of a camera, but lone and behold there he stands in all his whiskery, bemulleted glory. As the character of Rowsdower, Bruce J. Mitchell plays a tubby, middle-aged, sullen drunken loner, who farts around the rural back roads of the Canadian wilderness in a crappy, old, broken-down, pick-up truck. It's an effortless task to make wise-cracks about this "chunky backwoods loser named Rowsdower" and he truly makes for an AWESOME anti-hero, who's just as convincing in his role, as he is unassuming in his looks (or lack of them). Rowsdower pull's off what some might call, the "Canadian tuxedo" which means denim, from head to toe, lots of denim, combined with a pair cowboy boots, this combination really seems to sell the rugged outdoors look he was shooting for. In other words he looks like his truck. Personally I find this hairy slob enormously entertaining to watch.If you decide to watch The Final Sacrifice go about it the smart way and watch the MST3K version, which is probably much easier to find anyway. As it stands I think this film made for the -best- fodder that was -ever- featured on that program and therefore ranks as the funniest of all episodes, for which the guys have an endless array of jokes and insults, that they sling at this films comically inept and cast and crew. If you want to see a bad movie, well... you can hardly do better then The Final Sacrifice and hey, at least it isn't boring, much.To recap: The Final Sacrifice is a completely amateurish movie and yet at the same time it's also, somehow, endearingly charming. The movie has some sort of "Aura" to it or so it would seem.

You'd be hard-pressed to watch a movie as bad as this without the trio from MST3K poking fun at it throughout. It's not the worst movie they've riffed on but it's pretty bad. If you look through the list of cast members, you'd see that none of the leading characters have really been in much of anything besides this movie. The whole premise of the movie is some skinny kid in a Mister Rogers-type sweater sets out on a quest to find out who killed his father and why. In the process of running away from hooded thugs in tank tops (when it's probably pretty dang cold at the time), he meets up with a guy named Zap Rowsdower who drives a crappy pick-up truck that he apparently lives out of considering his laundry is in the back and he has totes of empty beer cans and bottles. The most hysterical part of this movie (the MST3K version, of course) is when they come across Mike Pipper, a poofy-haired guy with a beard that talks like Red Green. Again, don't watch this movie without the MST3K guys cause you'll just be wasting your time.

First thing I have to say - this was not a movie made for peanuts; this was made for the kind of budget that budget movies spend on peanuts.So we can cut it a little slack on the production and casting. The plot, however, has far too many coincidences to take seriously. And Mike Pipper's bit of Basil Exposition always reminds me of 'Blazing Saddles' and the "authentic frontier gibberish" line.Thank God for Mystery Science Theater 3000, then! They take a potboiler destined for total oblivion and somehow give it greatness and a strangely lovable afterlife.Zap Rowsdower is the kind of hero that those of us without six-pack stomachs, killer cheekbones and effortlessly tousled-looking hair can aspire to be.

Well, I've never seen a Huffy outrace a muscle car... but I guess when you are making a completely irrational film it is certain to happen somewhere along the line. I think you can count the lines of dialogue in the first thirty minutes on two hands. I guess the director's rationale was that it's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt. Then again I think assuming there was any rationale involved in the production this movie is giving the director too much credit.This film has some of the most hilarious chase scenes I have ever seen. First you have Troy's epic escape from machete wielding villains via his mountain bike. I swear this scene would not end. Literally ten minutes are spent tracking Troy as he eludes a car full of goons on his Huffy. Eventually the heroes give up chasing this kid in a car and decide to foot it. Sadly enough, they come closer to catching him on foot than they did when they chased him with their car. Finally, when it seems as though these villains are about to catch Troy, he hops into the back of a truck. This is no ordinary truck, however. This is a truck owned by the dumb, drunken protagonist Zap Rowsdower... yes, Zap Rowsdower. This guy is a cross between John Candy and Joe Dirt. I think that I could use my ass cheeks as a face and be a more effective actor than this guy. Anyway, after Zap and Troy reach a gas station another hilarious chase scene ensues. Of course Zap and Troy have the last laugh. The funniest part about this scene is when the villains car treads off of a hill and takes a long winded drive towards a creek. The scene could have easily been ended by just blowing up the car, or by the villains simply hitting the brakes but NO. For dramatic effect the director had the villains speed across a 500 feet straightaway into a creek.The chase scenes are all good and fun, but the supporting cast is what makes this movie so "fun" to watch. ESPECIALLY the character Mike Pipper. This character is a hybrid - one part Macho Man Randy Savage, one part Ted Kaczynski. I was just waiting for him to shout out "Ooooh Yea!!!" after every single line. And let us not forget the performance of "Satoris", the antagonist of the film. Satoris, as we learn, is hell- bent on taking over the world. He plans on achieving this by sacrificing our virginal protagonist, Troy. Unfortunately he doesn't succeed. After a bunch of useless scenes, horrible acting, and utterly retarded dialogue the "climax" is reached when Troy kills Satoris and in doing so saves the world from the necessity to continue this horrible film.