Pretty Good

I'll tell you why so serious

This is a must-see and one of the best documentaries - and films - of this year.

The film's masterful storytelling did its job. The message was clear. No need to overdo.

Yes, it's another incompetently made movie known mainly for its appearance on "Mystery Science Theater 3000". "The Eye Creatures" (aka "Attack of the Eye Creatures") depicts an invasion by aliens that look like bubble wrap covered in rancid cottage cheese. The way that their mouths hang open, they should be called mouth creatures. No surprise then, that Joel and the 'bots have fun with it, mentioning Mariah Carey, Phil Silvers, and others. During one of the interludes, they dress as Rip Taylor and present the eye creatures' sunglasses, sun visors, etc. Finally, they show some goofs that appeared throughout the movie and remind the audience that the people making the movie JUST DIDN'T CARE! Attack of the THE EYE CREATURES. Someone really screwed up on that one, didn't they, Roy Cohn? PS: John Ashley also appeared in "Hud" and associate produced "Apocalypse Now".

Just recently, I wrote some comments on director Larry Buchanan's abysmal sci-fi outing "Zontar, The Thing From Venus" (1966), a made-for-TV product that was a scene-for-scene remake of Roger Corman's infinitely superior "It Conquered the World" (1956). But "Zontar" wasn't the first time that Buchanan had turned a beloved piece of sci-fi shlock into televised dreck. In 1965, he had taken the tacky but enjoyable 1957 film "Invasion of the Saucer Men" and transformed it, for AIP, into "The Eye Creatures," and the resultant picture is one that manages the near-impossible feat of being even lamer than "Zontar," and, concomitantly, even harder to sit through...while awake, that is. As was the case with "Zontar," this is a completely unnecessary remake that is an affront to a beloved original; one that is vastly inferior in all departments, as well. And like the 1966 film, "TEC" is virtually a scene-for-scene rehash of its original, with even lamer special FX, weaker acting and all-around inept filmmaking, as compared to its predecessor; the use of color film in both does absolutely nothing to improve on their B&W originals.In "The Eye Creatures," the titular invaders from outer space land their flying saucer in the heartland of good ol' U.S.A. (No, wait a minute...strike that. It's impossible to say whether or not these alien beings are "invaders" or not, as all the poor things do is land their craft, get out and lumber around. Their only real crime is their alien physiognomy....) While the military blunders around trying to track the ship and later vainly attempts an entry, a pair of teens, Stan (John Ashley) and Susan (Cynthia Hull), actually smash into one of the aliens while driving on a nighttime country road. This leads to all sorts of problems with the local cops, a crusty old nearby hermit, and a pair of drifters in town, all culminating in a showdown between Stan and Susie, their fellow teens, and the doddering starmen, who, as in the original film, have an unfortunate Achilles' heel in the form of...automobile headlights! Even Jim Stark and his galpal Judy never encountered a situation like this!As I've mentioned elsewhere, director Buchanan is now a very solid 4 for 4 with me; besides "TEC" and "Zontar," the other films that I've seen from this "auteur"--1966's "Curse of the Swamp Creature" and 1967's "Mars Needs Women"--have also been rock-bottom deplorable, practically comprising a loosely connected quartet of sci-fi crud. And sad to say, "The Eye Creatures" may very well be the worst of this sorry lot. But don't blame John Ashley; he is as likable as ever here, and the only real pro in this cast of amateurs. Ms. Hull isn't quite as bad as she might have been, but her character is a shrill, weak and unattractive mess; Stan could have done SO much better. (On a side note, the real-life Ashley apparently DID do a lot better, as this DVD features a lengthy interview with his former Mrs., who turns out to be both beautiful and well spoken.) All of the film's other actors are simply embarrassing; Tony Huston, who was so remarkably bad in "Zontar," appears here again to discomfit and appall the viewer. The film insists on regaling the audience with "comedy" segments of a very low order, all of which bomb completely. Thus, we see Houston and another Army imbecile use their infrared scanner not to look for the alien craft, but rather to peep on the teenagers necking in their cars on Lovers Lane, and are treated to the sight of a bald, goofy-looking general emerging from his bedroom wearing a leopard-skin bathrobe! The FX in the film, as mentioned, are also horrendous (you'll wonder just what the picture's reputed $40,000 budget was spent on!). Just observe the sight of that alien spaceship orbiting the Earth; it looks like a child's top set against a cardboard diorama; the kind of thing a 4th grader might come up with for a science project. (The exact same special effect, flabbergastingly, was used in "Zontar" to depict the "laser satellite" that that film's alien hitches a ride in!) And as for those eye creatures themselves, they are something of a sorry misnomer; white, bipedal and covered with innumerable lumps, not eyes, they fail to engender even the slightest shudder. (But I suppose a title such as "The Lumpy Creatures" might have smacked a little too much of "Leave it to Beaver"!) Paul Blaisdell's memorable monsters for "It Conquered" and "Saucer Men" are in another league entirely compared to those found in the two remakes, to put it mildly! As in the "Saucer Men" film, "TEC" gives a nod to the 1946 horror classic "The Beast With Five Fingers"--as well as to the 1963 shlocker "The Crawling Hand"--in the form of a detached alien, um, crawling hand, and poorly done as this special effect is here, it yet serves to generate the film's only moment of suspense, as we await Susie's inevitable, hysterical scream of terror when she discovers the darn thing on her. Surprisingly, the revered "Maltin Movie Guide" calls "The Eye Creatures," inept sci-fi dreck that it is, a "gory horror film," when in fact there is only a single scene with any blood whatsoever, and even that is hard to discern during one of the nighttime lensings. What's more surprising is the fact that "Maltin" gives the film 1 1/2 stars to begin with, rather than its lowest BOMB rating. Go figure!For those who care, "The Eye Creatures" comes to us today via a RetroMedia Entertainment DVD. Residing on the flip side of this disc is the "Zontar" film itself, resulting in one truly deadly double feature. I have said elsewhere that these two awful films result in a disc only suitable for use as skeet, but perhaps I was being a bit unfair. This DVD disc can also serve as a decorative cocktail coaster, as well!

Poor John Ashley who wished that he could have gotten all the parts that Fabian did with people like John Wayne, James Stewart, and Bing Crosby. Especially since John Wayne discovered him. I think he suffered because he came over the same way Fabian did and looked a bit like him. Instead Ashley got relegated to stuff like this for the most part, never getting into an A film or even a B film in a part where one would notice.Sad, but this was what he reduced to, The Eye Creatures. The alleged plot of this film has the Air Force keeping a lid on a UFO landing and Ashley and his girl friend trying to convince the locals that one has and their are some nasty creatures out there with big eyes wandering around. It all works out in the end and you wouldn't believe what it takes to kill these space creatures. Hint is that they're done in at the local passion pit.Poor Ashley as the only name of some note in the cast, he did appear in some of the worst stinkers around.

There's a reason that The Eye Creatures (or Attack of the the Eye Creatures . . . huh?) was such perfect fodder for Mystery Science Theater 3000 - it's one gawd awful movie. You could write a thesis on the many obvious faults found in The Eye Creatures. But it's a bit like shooting fish in a barrel – there's no real challenge. When you've got a movie this bad with a plodding plot, rigor mortis stiff acting, beyond laughable special effects, no tension, no drama, and painfully inept direction, writing at length about all the negatives is way too easy. So I won't bother. Instead, I'll just mention the attempts at humor in The Eye Creatures. This is low-brow, sophomoric stuff on a whole new scale. One of the biggest, most grand on-going jokes in the film involves a couple of military types who are supposed to be watching a radar that's tracking UFOs. Instead, they've somehow managed to train their infrared sensors on the kids' local make-out spot. What hilarity! A couple of grown goofs who seem to derive way to much enjoyment out of watching kids necking. Not having sex, mind you - just kissing. How funny is that? Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it is funny in an incredibly sort of pathetic way. Regardless, the attempts at humor injected into this lamo script are about as flat as an alien that's been hit by a car.