That was an excellent one.

it is finally so absorbing because it plays like a lyrical road odyssey that’s also a detective story.

I think this is a new genre that they're all sort of working their way through it and haven't got all the kinks worked out yet but it's a genre that works for me.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

"Starcrash" has Christopher Plummer in it for about 15 minutes of screen time, so I simply can't give it 1 star. He has a 2 minute wrap-up speech at the end where he tries valiantly to summon enough dignity and conviction to redeem the 80+ minutes of nonsense that preceded it But that feat is beyond even his abilities. Let me put it this way: I saw this movie once, 20 years ago. And as we watched the opening episode 4 of the relaunched MST3K show, and announced that the movie would be "Starcrash", I instinctively reacted with a level of dismay that amazed (and amused) my wife. And I've seen "Manos", "Red Zone Cuba", "Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies ?!!", and "Monster A- Go- Go" without raising an eyebrow."Starcrash" appears to have been written and produced by precocious 12 year olds who really liked "Star Wars", but didn't understand a thing about writing screenplays. Or narrative logic. Or cause-and- effect. Or how human beings talk. Worst example of this is the character of "Aktor" (who I think is Marjoe Gortner); about halfway through the movie, the character starts pulling out various Force powers and light sabers and precognition abilities every few minutes with absolutely no setup or justification, as if he were an Italian "Ultraman". And then he dies from a cut to the arm for no good reason (he won't let his teammates treat him because it was "fore- destined"). Carol Monroe, who is front and center for 90% of the movie...well she looks smashing in her thigh high boots and dominatrix bikini, but has all the emotional range of a sack of cement. Some of this may be the dubbing, because she sounds utterly American here, but I've read that she's actually British. So maybe not all her fault...but this is strictly a one-note performance. The sets and costumes and props and spaceships are a random hodgepodge of goofy colors and textures, and outer space appears to be lit by Christmas tree lights. In short, this makes Roger Corman's output look good. It's easily one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen, and I've seen dozens.Half a star added because it's obviously not meant to be taken seriously.

Often times when there is a successful film in the United States it is copied in other countries. When Dawn of the Dead was released it spawned many copycats in Europe, mainly in Italy. These films ranged from cheesy fun to horrible endeavors that were still somewhat fun to watch. Alien spawned its fair share of copycats as well and so did Conan the Barbarian. With all you had some films that was pretty good copycats along with the bad. Unfortunately, Star Wars also spawned a lot of copycats and its copycat films were usually just dreadful and more often blatant rip-offs. The other films seemed to add their own flair to the film they were mimicking, while for reasons unknown the Star Wars rip-offs would use a lot of the same plot devices and sometimes they would even use actual footage from Star Wars! The most one of the Dawn of the Dead copycats did was the same music. This one does have a bit of its own things in it, but for the most part it is like watching a Star Wars made for someone with attention deficit disorder.The story starts out with two smugglers being pursued by some sort of space police. They evade them and find a mysterious ship that has been seemingly abandoned in the ghost ship graveyard. The female member of the crew goes out and takes aboard a man who is crazed and spouting about red monsters. The two members of the crew then get captured by the space police and are put on trial. The female has to make a jail break and gets captured again by a robot and alien space police, only they are planning on taking her to the emperor of the galaxy who wants the two smugglers to find out where another guy's planet is and his son. This all takes place in the first fifteen minutes of the film! I mean there is enough plot going on to cover over half the film! We have Amazon warriors, ice planets and a navigator who can repel lasers and seems more powerful than anyone always staying aboard the ship while the female member of the crew and the robot go explore and usually get captured and get messed up all while searching for the villain's main lair and the red monsters that are disappointing beyond belief! So, no, this one is bad. The only things it has going for it is that the acting is not atrocious and the female is really nice to look at especially when she is wearing a few nice and revealing costumes. Strangely, while this is a rip off of the first Star Wars, I cannot help but think George Lucas saw this film and used a few ideas put forth in it, into Empire and Jedi. The team goes to a frozen planet like Hoth in Empire, the girl is taken captive by savages like the Ewoks (though not as cute) and is about to be eaten by them, the floating city made me immediately think of Cloud City and one of the nice outfits looks a lot like the one Leia wore in Jedi. So who knows, as bad as this one was, maybe it gave Lucas a few good ideas? In the end though, this film was just a very fast paced film that seemingly was put together by a kid with attention deficit disorder and comes complete with a light saber and a mysterious navigator that kicked butt and made light shows come out of his hand.

Did you ever watch the episode of 'South Park' where the four central boys are playing ninjas? In it Eric Cartman frequently annoyed his friends by inventing new 'super powers' which got him out of any given (play) situation in their game. 'Star Crash' basically does that.If 'Hawk the Slayer' is the best 'bad movie' ever made which is set in the land of 'sword and sorcery,' then 'Star Crash' is the best 'bad movie' ever set in space (the two do tend to go hand in hand on many levels). It's hard to believe that Star Crash was made only a year after – arguably – one of the greatest films ever made – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope.Star Crash not so much plays homage to, but completely rips off George Lucas' seminal work of art. Only Star Crash has the budget of a pensioner's weekly shop at Aldi.It's at this point that I should say, 'Don't watch Star Crash!' You'll hate it. Largely, because it's awful. Like Hawk the Slayer, you'll only enjoy it if you have an appreciation for so-bad-they're-good movies, or you watched in on TV in the eighties and actually were too young to realise just how bad it was.If you excuse the wooden acting and lousy special effects (space ships that you can see the 'rails' they're running on) you're still left with the nonsensical plot, involving a benevolent space Emperor (who appears doped up on Prozac most of the time) charging two random smugglers to go and destroy the evil space Count and his entire planet/space station/army. Of course our kindly Emperor could have just sent his entire space fleet to do that, but never mind.And, as the 'story' (and I use that term lightly) progresses, each scene gets more ludicrous than the last. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it ALWAYS does. I've mentioned how all the characters invent new (and never previously mentioned) super powers every time they need them. Well, that minor plot point just pales in comparison to how bizarre the total failure to adhere to basic physics. Example... soldiers fire themselves inside torpedoes through space which smash through a space station's windows (yes, windows) only for a gunfight to ensue. Of course, as most people know, smashing a window in space creates a vacuum which will suck everyone out. It doesn't. Never mind. This is Star Crash. Realism is not its strong point.Like I've said, Star Crash is awful. I love it. I'm a sucker for rubbish films. And I watched it on TV in the eighties. If you can't appreciate bad film, steer well clear. I wouldn't recommend this film to anyone I didn't know well. Know what you're in for before you dare to brave this wonderful travesty of film-making.Then again... if you've seen the outfits Caroline Munro wears, you may not care about anything else that happens in the film (lads only).

Who knew that space was so colourful! If you like picking films apart you'll be working on Starcrash for several years, but if you're all up for non-stop action, stop motion robots, The Hoff, skimpy outfits, bizarre spaceships and people painted green, this is the film for you! The rolling blurb at the start was in French so: can't help you there. Anyway, in the future, the Emperor's son goes missing when his ship is entering the Haunted Star system (it gets attacked by flashing lights and a lava lamp). Meanwhile Stella Star (Caroline Munro from Flesh for the Beast and Don't Open till Christmas) and her psychic buddy Akton (Marjoe Gunter from Mausoleum – and you should see what happens to him in that film!), are being chased through space by a green guy and Police Robot Elle for smuggling and after some confusing hyperspace action, get caught.After being sentenced by a giant brain with animated tentacles surrounded by lava lamps (you heard me), Stella is sent to a prison planet and Akton is sent to…a different prison planet. In the end the Green guy and Elle (with his great Texan accent) rescue them for a special mission: To find The Hoff! The Emperor (Christopher Plummer) explains that evil Zarth Arn (played by Joe Spinell of The Last Horror Film) is hiding in the Haunted system and attacked The Hoff's ship. Three lifeboats were jettisoned, so there's about four places the Hoff could be – a waterworld, a cold world, and some other places.Enough about the plot. I loved this film. It's got giant animated statues, animated robots with swords (fighting The Hoff!). Joe Spinell's ship is shaped like a giant hand, Caroline Munro wears a skimpy outfit that must have had young boys turning to their parents and asking "Where do babies come from?",the music is great, and at one point they take on what looked to me to be a whole army of tramps.Directed by Luigi Cozzi with utter contempt for the laws of physics but a healthy dose of imagination, Starcrash is a winner all the way thanks to the lack of dull spots and its high camp value. Cozzi went on to direct the great Contamination and is now manager of Dario Argento's shop Profondo Rosso, which I visited in 2011……I wish I had a great anecdote to go with that statement, but he wasn't there. My wife and kids were nearly run over by a guy on a motorbike who was driving on the pavement, however. Good old Rome and it's crazy, dangerous traffic.