Touches You

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

A story that's too fascinating to pass by...

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

This movie is bad. I know what they were going for and I know this is a faith based movie but they could at least have made it a good movie.Rik Swartzwelder plays Clay the titular Old Fashioned kind of guy who wants to focus more on the courtship of the relationship than just having a regular date. He's a carpenter and a handyman and owns a shop with an apartment up top. Into this apartment moves the lovely Elizabeth Roberts playing Amber. She's new in town, needs a place to stay and sparks fly between her and Clay.Sorry, did I say sparks fly? I meant things kind of fizzle between them. You see Clay refuses to be alone in a room with a woman who isn't his wife. According to him it's nothing personal. But this is something that somebody who literally can't control themselves would say, The man isn't even that charismatic. But movies like this require a male lead and since he's the writer and director, I guess that means he fits. Clay is, to put it frankly, creepy as hell. He's the kind of guy that looks like creepy music should be playing over him when he's on screen. But for some reason Amber finds him attractive and after doing everything in her power to spend time with him threatens to destroy her apartment unless he goes on a date with her. Well, what kind of guy can say no to that? So they have the most boring and uninteresting dates together. It's made even worse that they get a couple of books, from church of all places, that tell them whether to continue, be warned or stop completely. Yes, it's called "Red, Yellow, Green" and it's an actual book. Clay is emotionally abusive, thinks he's better than everybody and acts really passive aggressive. But Amber finds this charming. Considering that a former boyfriend once broke her arm for wearing the wrong nail polish I think I can see a self-destructive pattern here in choosing the wrong men. They have a third act breakup, they get back together and he proposes to her. He proposes in the baby food aisle of the supermarket like a maniac would. And we're supposed to believe that all this is charming. I realize I'm not the target audience for this but that shouldn't prevent anybody from enjoying a movie. And yet, here we are.

This movie is meant as a Christian faith-based counterpart to "Fifty Shades of Grey", which is fine in theory. You can tell this because it came out around the same time, and if you read some of the other user reviews many people saw it that way. The poster reads "Love is Patient. Love is Kind. Love is... OLD FASHIONED". Love is also NOT something that this movie understands very well though... Now look, the concept that one would not have sex until they are married is a pretty common one, and there is NOTHING WRONG with that. However, there is something VERY WRONG with how Clay, the film's protagonist, interprets this concept. See, Clay says early on in the movie, "I made a promise, to never be alone with any woman who's not my wife". This is taking the concept of no sex before marriage to an extreme! You can absolutely be alone with a woman AND NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER! You can have friends who are women, whom you don't sleep with. You can get to know a woman in a totally asexual way, you know, what is she like AS A PERSON? When Clay says something like this, it implies that he is unable to control his sexual urges, and fears that he will be unable to resist the temptation of sex if he is simply alone with another woman. Rather than learning how to control his own urges and resist temptation, he would rather HIDE from them and not have to deal with them. That's not Christian, that's irresponsible. You CAN'T hide from Satan and the evils of the world, you have to resist his temptation, like Jesus did in the desert. It also has a very... rape-y vibe to it? I'm sure that's not the movie's intent, but that's how it comes off in the modern age.Clay also has some ill-informed ideas about what a date is. At one point he says to his friend, "Most people know more about someone after a job interview for delivering pizzas than after most dates". This shows a complete misunderstanding about what a date is. He thinks all dates are one night stands where the only goal is to get into bed with someone and never speak to them again the next day. We know this because it's Brad's behaviour, whose lifestyle Clay disapproves of. In reality, NOT ALL DATES ARE ONE NIGHT STANDS! A date does not necessitate sex. Maybe you two just want to get to know each other, see how your personalities and beliefs match up, find out whether or not you'd make a good couple (for marriage or otherwise), and you know, just generally find out what they're like AS A PERSON!?!?On top of this, Clay's definition of "treating a girl right" is also damaging to a woman's self esteem, he is only better than Brad in that he only dates ONE woman! Whenever Amber tries to ask her own questions or get more answers out of Clay, Clay shuts her down. He is annoyed if she doesn't answer his questions RIGHT AWAY. So much for "Love is patient... Love is kind..." On their second date she turns the radio on and Brad starts spewing his sexist garbage, Clay and Amber both make fun of him. But when Amber tries to have a real discussion about it, Clay shuts her down by saying, "Hey you wanted to turn the radio on, not me! Let's get back to the book".  God forbid they have an ACTUAL DISCUSSION ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO HER!!! Even when Clay lets her choose what to do on their next date, she has him pick it out of a box, you know, so that he still feels like HE'S in charge... What's really funny is, this is one of the big complaints many people make about "Fifty Shades of Grey", Christian Grey dominates the will of the leading woman! Replace Grey's desire for S&M with a desire for making a mother out of her, and you have Clay (in a motivational sense).Let's take a look at what love is, according to the Bible that I assume Clay is familiar with: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth" 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. I've mentioned how Clay is often IMPATIENT and EASILY- ANGERED with Amber on their dates. This also makes it hard for him to REJOICE WITH THE TRUTH doesn't it? He often lectures to Amber and his friends on how their ways are wrong, which seems pretty PROUD to me. Clay only sees Amber as the future mother of his children and often shuts down her opinions, he's SELF-SEEKING. At one point he reads the church book and asks Amber "How many sexual partners have you had in the past ten years?", which sounds to me like he's trying to KEEP A RECORD OF HER WRONGS. There are many aspects of love which Clay clearly has no interest in keeping in mind.The "values" that this movie's protagonist espouse about relationships ARE NOT Christian VALUES. They are the values of someone who does not want to take responsibility for his own actions, who doesn't understand how relationships and dating works, who has little interest in understanding who is love interest is as a person, and who is more concerned with turning everyone around him into straw men for his confused philosophy about love. And since the ACTOR who plays the protagonist is also the WRITER AND DIRECTOR of the movie, I'm guessing these are his values, and he needs to seek help. Maybe from a psychologist, or maybe from an understanding Christian minister who isn't absolutely insane.

So I had the impression that the film had a decent start, but nope. Here's a film that will toy with your emotions and manage to creep you out at the same time!The way Clay was throughout the film was similar to a self-loathing "I hate myself for doing this" emo kid. For the soundtrack they might as well have had Hawthorne Heights playing in the background. Especially the song "Ohio Is For Lovers". What do you know, it took place in Ohio!At one point in the film you find out that Clay hadn't gone to church in a while, because of the supposed hypocrisy though Clay is the epitome of hypocrite. The cringe in this film is real. Majority of the characters in the film are so full of themselves, it would make someone want to induce vomiting.Even though, Clay was the most full of himself, yet he stood out due to him hating himself. The only somewhat bearable character in this film was Amber... maybe... I will admit, the story line did seem kind of realistic, except for the ending. 1: Who would get engaged in a grocery store, with sand all over the floor like a psychopath? Oh yeah... Clay and Amber. 2: I'm surprised she continued to pursue him, even after looking in his bible that had pictures of him and his ex. Kind of weird dude. 3: Only a psychopath would make him/her self read a "steps" book to find out if they're suitable with one another.Anyone know that song Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse? That's how I feel about this film.

So I reviewed the movie Old Fashioned and it's a religious movie that has been billed as the "Anti-Fifty Shades of Grey" and while it's slightly better than Fifty Shades as well as every movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel that ever hit theaters, it's still not very good.We are introduced to Clay Walsh, a man whose past consisted of making Girls Gone Wild-style videos who has since renounced that life and became a born-again Christian who spouts theories about today's dating scene and how dating is basically something that leads to sex before the "getting to know you" phase. However, the people around him have basically written him off as a crazy recluse.That is until free-spirited Amber comes to town. A woman who is fleeing from a series of abusive relationships, Amber winds up in Clay's hometown and rents the apartment above Clay's antique shop. She quickly becomes intrigued by Clay's theories on relationships, most notably the fact that he won't be alone in a room with a woman he's not married to (which I've never heard of before and that actually makes Clay out to look more like a serial killer instead of an honorable man who is trying to respect the opposite sex.)The two soon embark on a relationship where they attempt the impossible: Reintroducing courtship rituals that are a hundred years out of date into a society that revolves around sex, which includes a slightly creepy scene where Clay makes Amber cut up pears to feed to his friend's baby. Overall, some of the overtures of the movie are a bit unsettling and there are scenes where it's padded out with B-roll footage of the beautiful Ohio landscape which the director relies on far too much.But with the exception of the male lead, the acting in the movie is pretty solid, mainly the female lead (even when she's being creepy when she's breaking all her stuff to get Clay to go out with her.)As far as the movie goes, I would recommend this for a bad movie night.