The film creates a perfect balance between action and depth of basic needs, in the midst of an infertile atmosphere.

A great movie, one of the best of this year. There was a bit of confusion at one point in the plot, but nothing serious.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

It is encouraging that the film ends so strongly.Otherwise, it wouldn't have been a particularly memorable film

The worst waste of time and film. A good double feature with Battlefield Earth. This film has no rhyme or reason and you will be very disappointed unless you are heavily sedated. You too will wonder what the heck Helen Mirren was thinking. I know she said in a recent interview she has to do what she needed to survive, but damn. Trust me, the plot has nothing to do with the movie and the movie has nothing to do with the plot. I sat through the entire what ever this is, and kept saying to myself, this is going to get good, it's going to make sense, there has to be something! But, I was greatly mistaken. Right through to the last scene you too will say, did they run out of budget and just shut the whole thing down?

"No such thing" is a modern fairy tale in a postmodern pop-cultural setting. In a weird rendition of "Beauty and the Beast" the monster (played by Robert John Burke) - who by the way is apparently American - resides on a rock in Iceland far away from civilisation. However legends persist and nowadays where there is a legend there is a film crew. One such crew gets torn to shreds before the beginning credits and soon after we hear the monster's existential monologue, who tries to warn off any further interference from outside. However Beatrice (who works for the same TV station as the killed crew and was romantically involved with one of them) offers to investigate further and her boss (played by Helen Mirren) is up in joy at the proposal. Soon she is on a plane and after about 30 minutes of pointless movie filler (with Beatrice getting mugged by an addict, crashing in a plane, breaking he spine, getting operated and recovering) she finally makes it to the monster's hideout.After a lacklustre talk with the monster she somehow convinces him to leave the island. How she did that with her crappy monologues and banal argumentation is a mystery. Even more so that this creature apparently has at least a couple of hundred thousand years of life behind him.Only recently have I heard of Hal Hartley, supposedly a talented and ambitious director, and this is one of my first attempts at adoring his potential. Maybe. But this movie is the epitome of a disaster. I was very quickly taken aback by the absurdities of the news served at the beginning of the movie - supposedly we are in reality, but surprisingly everyday modernity apparently has bomb attacks, terrorist plots and high death tolls every 15 minutes. Not exactly sure what the point was of all this - why tell a serious story about a monster set in modern times, only to make it even more far-fetched with an exaggerated reality more fitting for a satire or a Monty Python sketch?Soon after we are forced to survive about 30 minutes of filler, where Beatrice becomes a revered almost supernatural personality, because of surviving an airline crash. I theoretically understand that this was supposed to make her a counterpoint to the monster character and was aimed at creating more back-story for Beatrice... ultimately it caused much irritation and made me severely disinterested by the lax storytelling.Unfortunately the movie never picks up from then. It doesn't work as a comedy. Nor as a horror. Nor as a drama. Nor as an art-house flick. It fails in every department mostly because of the poor script and sometimes god-awful dialogue. The movie also shifts from winking at the audience at the wrong moments to treating itself too seriously for it's own good. The plot is also severely unbelievable and at times watches like a bad 80s movies... In the 80s it was passable, because of the specific atmosphere at the time. In the 90s it's just corny.I guess the only good thing I can say about the movie is the cast. Robert John Burke, who I am fond of since his monster role in Dust Devil, does great as the alcoholic horn-headed abomination. Similarly Helen Mirren is always ravishing and breathtaking... even in the most insignificant of roles. I can't however say the same about Sarah Polley, who in my opinion gave the most bland and forgettable performances of her lifetime.All in all give this one the pass, unless you want to see some nice pictures of Iceland or are interested in the weird and mildly intriguing ending (the only part of the movie that actually worked).

The monster looks like he just stepped out of the terrific 1972 TV movie "Gargoyles". Unfortunately "No Such Thing" is not such a terrific movie. It is way too long for such a simple story. Beauty discovers monster. Beauty brings monster to civilization. Beauty returns monster to his island. The script is very contrived and parts of it seem simply added for length. Sara Polly comes off as not likable, not sympathetic, and not believable. The Iceland photography is the best part of the film, but you don't need an hour and forty three minutes of "No Such Thing", just rent a travel DVD. What a wonderful actress like Helen Mirren is doing in this mess I have no idea, and she seems lost in a sea of nonsense. Not Recommended. - MERK

This movie is just plain awful. The story line is like some infant trying to bash a puzzle together. The acting is so terrible that one wonders if the director was even present at the movie set, and the dialogue? It's like some D&D-nerd wrote something together when he was fourteen. Usually when I see a bad movie I don't care, I just turn it off. But this one was so bad I just had to warn other viewers. Well actually it can be pretty fun to watch just because it so friggin' bad. Just don't expect ANYTHING whatsoever.So since one has to write ten lines I'll just have to add that one of the greatest displays of bad acting is when the "actress" playing the doctor listens to the woman at the car rental with her fist underneath her chin. She's trying to make a pose from the ancient Greek era look relaxed while just standing around. It's just ridiculous.