Truly Dreadful Film

Touches You

A Masterpiece!

While it doesn't offer any answers, it both thrills and makes you think.

Like every one of his bizarre movies that I've yet seen, Chris Seaver directs this monstrosity in the most consistently unfunny and tedious way possible, not fun to watch whatsoever, just seriously aggravating. As bad as his other movies have proved to be, this to me was noticeably one of his slowest and weakest efforts of his I've watched yet and it's without question one of the very worst kinds of independent cheap horror movies and the only thing that really gives this celluloid trash fire an inkling of noteworthiness is that Troma chose to distribute it. The cover alone is a great big lie and is a blatant little bit of false advertising, as we don't get a sexy lady with guns kicking ass in the movie, we get an absolute repulsive woman-girl hyper nerd thing with nauseating chocolate smeared over her mouth the entire time, mugging and howling for all that she's worth and giving a performance that a junior school play would spit on! I have no idea what she's like in real life but as far as her character of Mulva in this rotten-ass flick goes I found Missy Donatuti revolting and she was behaving more like a mentally handicapped person than a nerd! Her ceaseless nasal yammering gave me a splitting headache man!! I think the movie was trying to be something of a schlocky throwback to the Toxic Avenger movies, but the main problem is that it's nothing but a bad dull film that's boring and that feels the need to scream and throw s**t at you like a spastic child to get a reaction, we hear of zombies but never get to really see any, and when they do pop up its easy to see why the filmmakers opted to show them very little as their designs are downright awful. As short as the movie runs it still feels too damn long as Mulva doesn't have a single thing going in its favour outside of a very generic sexy fighter girl DVD cover. I'm sure that they were trying for something but I wasn't picking up on it, it's almost as if they had no money and so instead of doing anything decent decided to just dunk a lot of boring talk-fest scenes on the poor audience with bland and uninteresting characters that try way too hard, non-sexy ones too! Really, really terrible and certainly one of the worst that you're ever likely to see, it's such a stinkaroo! Painful.

MULVA: ZOMBIE ASS KICKER! is one of the earlier trash movies made by Chris Seaver on zero budget. I never thought I'd see a director who makes Troma's output look decent by comparison but Seaver is indeed that guy. This is a ridiculous story about a woman who fights zombies, but it's just an endless parade of guys making jokes to the camera and trying so desperately to be funny when they really aren't. There's no horror content, just stupid fright wigs and nonsense. The best part is Lloyd Kaufman's cameo in which he brings the Toxic Avenger and Sergeant Kabukiman along for the ride.

Flashback! Flashback! I remember when I bought License to Kill with Denzel on the DVD cover. He made a very brief appearance in the movie. That was nothing compared to seeing Mulva on the cover of this DVD and thinking it couldn't be too bad if she's in it. Well, the Mulva in the Movie is not the girl on the DVD cover. She is butt-ugly and jonesing for chocolate, which is always on her face. What a ripoff! Now, that I am finished ranting, I will tell you what I really thought of this homemade production. Maybe Chris Seaver was hoping for an Oscar in some category, as he writes, directs, edits, shoots, and does the makeup. Maybe, he even brings the donuts.I endured this to see Debbie Rochon as Lady McPouchsweat. As usual, she acts way above whatever she is in, and she does that again here. As for the rest of the cast: let's just say it was stranger than anything I have ever seen.

Mulva is awful. Possibly the worst movie ever made, and not in a good way. The girl on the DVD box is sexy--too bad she ain't in the movie! The girl in the movie is, IMO, a disgusting troll whom no amount of intoxication could make attractive. The whole thing stinks and looks like it cost 50 cents to throw together in a couple hours--the fact that it probably cost more and took longer does a further disservice to the reputation of cast and crew. Filthy McNasty (included on the double-feature DVD) is also pure crap. These no-talent, backyard films from Tempe, SubRosa and EI Cinema are the reason most people hate SOV. Anyone who regards this garbage as anything even remotely entertaining is delusional or being paid off to say so.