the audience applauded

It's hard to see any effort in the film. There's no comedy to speak of, no real drama and, worst of all.

It's an amazing and heartbreaking story.

There's no way I can possibly love it entirely but I just think its ridiculously bad, but enjoyable at the same time.

Every time I watch a movie by Tobe Hooper, I end up thinking, "How is it possible that the same man that directed this crapfest could also direct The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?" Maybe what I *should* be asking is, "How is it possible such an untalented director could possibly make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?" I'm not difficult to please. I thought The Mangler was stupidly entertaining, kind of like a winking nod to horror fans. "Hey, horror fans! We had Robert England and Ted Levine available for a few days, so we threw together a cheesy movie for you! Sorry it sucks so bad, but we only had $1000 to spend." That's OK, Tobe. I understand. It's the thought that counts. And who doesn't love a movie about a serial-killing laundry machine that chases people down the street? Call it a guilty pleasure.But, seriously, what the hell is this? This is horrible! It's a pastiche of Lovecraft tropes (small town in the middle of nowhere, otherworldly fungus, quotes from the Necronomicon, human sacrifice, and zombies) thrown together with some quirky comedy about a single mother moving out to the middle of nowhere and becoming a trainee mortician (don't even ask), with absolutely no attempt at cohesion or good story-writing. Did they get Tobe Hooper, because Fred Olen Ray turned them down? It sure seemed like it! All this *might* be forgivable, except for the ending. The ending makes no sense whatsoever, and I subtract 5 points merely for that *huge* continuity error. With another point docked for bad CGI and another for the atrocious script, that leaves us with a 3/10. Very generous, indeed.

Mortuary (2005) ** (out of 4) Being a teen is hard but it's even harder when your mom is a mortician and moves you into a creepy house with a cemetery attached to it. That's what happens to Jonathan (Dan Byrd) who learns that the house is apparently not only haunted but stalked by a deformed maniac. I think it's fair to say Hooper has been a disappointment ever since his debut even though every fan keeps hoping his next film will be one worth writing home about. This one here, like so many in his career, isn't a terrible movie but at the same times there's really nothing special in it. This film mixes THE SHINING, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS and a little bit of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD but it can't hold a candle to any of those films and in the end you can't help but feel you've wasted your time. Right from the start you can't help but think the mother is stupid for keeping her children there but the reasons behind the "hauntings" is quite silly and doesn't work by the time they pop up at the end. The movie is never scary which doesn't help matters when it doesn't have much gore either. The special effects are poor CGI that look so obviously fake so here's yet another negative. The cast aren't too bad as they deliver the type of performances you'd expect to find in this type of film. Hooper manages to keep the film moving at a nice pace but the screenplay really doesn't give him too much to work with.

I must admit that this film really hooked me in at the opening hour or so as the film centers on a closely-knit family of three, mother Leslie(Denise Crosby, Star Trek-The Next Generation;Pet Semetary)cutesy-pie, wide-eyed daughter Jamie(Stephanie Patton) and cynical, but sweet, son Jonathan(Dan Byrd)attempting to adapt to a small town, trying to renovate their mortuary which is in dire shape, needing extensive repairs and care. Something evil lies underground, a well housing something black which is attracted to blood, it's oil-slick tentacles reaching out for any it can find, such as when Leslie(..quite an amateur mortician, still learning her trade)cuts her hand after a mishap with her embalming machine as the hose breaks away releasing fluid all over the place...a fungus-like residue remains whenever it comes from underground for blood. There's a spooky myth attached to the mortuary regarding local boogeyman, Bobby Fowler(Price Carson)whose parents once run the outfit, that he butchered them and still lives within the area. It turns out that Bobby does indeed exist and that he often feeds victims to the well, their blood giving whatever it is nourishment. Oftentimes, the black goo from the well turns humans into loony zombies, such as a trio of misfits, two goofy punk gals, Tina & Sara(Courtney Peldon & Tara Paige) and their brutish and rude male love-toy, Cal(Bug Hall)who have a bad habit of starting trouble, such as picking an altercation with Jonathan or mistreating the graveyard nearby the mortuary.The film, as typical with Hooper's oeuvre, has an array of eccentric supporting characters such as a stuttering, nervous sheriff and an always-laughing real-estate agent, a bit too cheery with off-the-wall remarks which produce most of the dark humor on display. I think the setting, a creepy mortuary with evil lurking within, works exceptionally well, and the graveyard is quite spooky, but the computer graphics are simply abysmal ruining what could've been an impressive follow-up to Hooper's The Toolbox Murders. The well isn't defined enough and is sloppily created, not looking the least bit realistic. Bobby goes from grotesque villain to heroic savior way too fast, and seems integrated into the film way too late. The corpses in Leslie's morgue, which are given life thanks to the black goo, are certainly effective enough, resembling the Romero signature zombies. The computer graphics(for how they are destroyed through the use of salt)are dreadful. And, the grim twist at the end doesn't make sense in regards as to what happens to Jonathan. Most of the murders that take place are handled specifically through the use of CGI(..even when the hand of a zombie bursts through the chest of a victim)which removes the effectiveness of the horror(..The Toolbox Murders, on the other hand, is much more effective due to it's use of practical gore-effects). And, I, for one, felt the film was hampered by the decision to turn Leslie into a zombie because the strength of the family was an important ingredient in the overall story(..and I just enjoyed the chemistry of the three leads as a family absent a father, trying to start over). Perhaps, Hooper and company wanted to turn Leslie so that the terror heightens towards Jonathan and Jamie, a hopeless situation where they must depend on themselves to survive. Those also facing the zombie crisis, are Jonathan's gravel-voiced love interest Liz(Alexandra Adi) and her pot-smoking homosexual pal Grady(Rocky Marquette). Lee Garlington has a nice supporting turn as a foul-mouthed diner owner, Rita, often mentioning her frequent drug-trips in the past(..she also serves as a mentor to Liz and gives Jonathan a job)informing Jonathan of Bobby Fowler. The dialogue, as usual in a Hooper film, can be quite profane and darkly humorous. As typical in a Tobe Hooper horror film, corpses have collected by certain victims within Fowler's lair, and the theme of innocence facing destruction is ever-present.

Tobe Hooper is best known for 2 horror-classics: Texas Chain Saw Massacre(1974) and Poltergeist(1982). Although, he had some help from Spielberg on the second one. But that was a long time ago. His remake on Toolbox Murders was not a great film but with Mortuary he hits a new low. Since the story takes place in and around a mortuary, he must have thought: that is scary enough. So no exciting story with thrills. In the first half, nothing happens at all, and the characters are annoying and very irritating at times. Miss Crosby once starred in the great Pet Sematary (but that was also a long time ago...) The effects in the second half are rather fake, some are o.k. but overall they are not convincing (like the entire cast for that matter).I'm still wondering why I finished watching til the end, I guess I had some hope considering it was a Tobe Hooper movie. But I really hope he has retired since this turkey..