Such a frustrating disappointment

This is a small, humorous movie in some ways, but it has a huge heart. What a nice experience.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

An old-fashioned movie made with new-fashioned finesse.

Kettle of Fish is a romantic-comedy that contains neither romance nor comedy. By no romance, I mean the lead characters and their various paramours have the same sexual chemistry as Spam and grape juice. By no comedy, I mean it's at least 40 minutes into the film before there's even a vague, unsuccessful attempt at humor. This is the sort of movie where you start to wonder when exactly the people involved in making it realized what a leaden fiasco it was. I can't imagine anyone reading this script and thinking it deserved to make it onto the screen, but surely somebody must have figured out what a mistake they were making before they were halfway finished shooting. What must it have been like to spend hours and hours editing this thing only to finally realize no matter how you tried to cut and splice it, Kettle of Fish was never going to be more than a piece of crap?Mel (Matthew Modine) is a professional musician who normally plays the saxophone in a jazz band headed up by his friend Freddie (Isiah Whitlock Jr.). Mel is 40somthing and looks it, particularly around his saggy neck, but still manages to land a bevy of beauties because in this film's reality, there's nothing chicks dig more than middle-aged jazz men who still live like poor college students. As the story begins, Mel is having a mid-life crisis and impetuously decides to move in with Inga (Ewa Da Cruz), his 20something Swedish girlfriend. Mel sublets his apartment to Dr. Ginger Thomas (Gina Gershon), an English scientist who researches the reproductive patterns of frogs. Inga quickly kicks Mel out for being a douchebag, so he weasels his way back into his old apartment and splits the rent with Ginger until she can find her own place.Mel then becomes smitten with Diana (Christy Scott Cashman), a woman he meets on her wedding day, and becomes so fixated on her that he abandons his music career to be the elevator operator in Diana's building so he can see her for a few minutes each day. This movie treats that behavior as wistfully charming. In real life, it would qualify as deranged stalking.As I'm sure you can guess, Mel chases after Diana while he and Ginger fall in love without either of them admitting it to themselves. What passes for clever in this screenplay is that Mel and Ginger bond over Mel's pet fish. It's only when Diana is so neglected by her husband (Fisher Stevens) that she throws herself at Mel that he realizes his feelings for Ginger and blah, blah, blah. There isn't a single original plot development in this entire movie, so if you've seen one romantic-comedy then you know exactly how this one goes.What's most noticeable about Kettle of Fish is how Matthew Modine has absolutely no emotional connection to any of the actresses in the cast. It's almost like they all did their own roles in separate rooms and were then combined on screen via computer. The only believable relationship in the entire film is between Mel and Freddie, but that's of little use since this isn't about Mel coming to grips with his latent homosexuality. I mean, I've always found Modine to be a diffident performer but he might as well be a cigar store Indian for all the attachment he shows to either Ewa Da Cruz, Christy Scott Cashman or Gina Gershon.Not that Da Cruz, Cashman or Gershon are any better. Inga is less like a woman in love and more like a woman with a learning disability. Diana reacts to both Mel and her husband like she were heavily medicated. When the plot needs to kill time by having Ginger trifle with the affection of a fellow research scientist (James O'Connor), Gershon gives it the same level of feeling as if she were testing the pH level in her swimming pool.Gershon's lips are also constantly parted in this film like her teeth were trying to escape from her jaw. Even when her mouth is supposed to be closed, there's a gap in the middle as though she can't unpucker. You don't notice it right away. When you do, though, you can't stop looking at it.When I was finished watching Kettle of Fish, I clicked over to the behind-the-scenes feature on the DVD. I only needed to look at it for 25 seconds before knowing everything there is to know about this film. Writer/director Claudia Myers says this was the first script she wrote in film school and it was inspired by movies where people fall in love at first sight. In other words, she didn't know what the hell she was doing when she wrote it and it's not based on anything real or meaningful from her own life.This is one of those rom-coms where the plot is arduously predictable and the actors look like they'd rather be doing commercials for acne medication. Skip it.

I'm a fan of Matthew Modine, but this film--which I stumbled upon on cable--is absolutely witless. I see that the screenwriter and director were one and the same, so there was no one around to check her worst instincts. There are no surprises, no original lines, and no original characters. The goldfish was basically the most sympathetic character. What a waste of all this acting talent. Given how expensive it is to film in New York these days, I have to wonder how this got made in the first place. And if you're wondering why I watched it at all, it came on after a film that I like on cable and I left it on while I worked at the computer. It's not a very demanding picture!

For the life of me I can't understand the good reviews on this piece of crap. It was pointless. Matthew Modine was horribly miscast as a leading ladies man. Gina Gershon, well, others have said it, but I'll reiterate, why the stupid accent? Totally unnecessary. And her acting was just bad. I don't know if she was thrown by the accent, or what. There was no chemistry between these two. And the girl Modine was in love with, suddenly she's shoving half a head of lettuce in her mouth and acting in a goofy way? Where did that come from? I think we were supposed to feel sorry for her as we saw her marriage to a workaholic begin to crumble, but frankly, I couldn't care less about any of these people.

I just saw this film last night in the 2006 Tribeca Film Festival and it seriously makes me wonder if the folks at the festival actually screen the films before selecting them. The film was simply awful - I say that without hyperbole or ulterior motives - it was awful. Matthew Modine's days as a leading man are way over. Gina Gershon sported an inexplicable and unnecessary English accent - she should be ashamed of her participation in this film. Gloria Reuben had a weird little cameo in it - she should also be ashamed. The script was terrible and the we were given absolutely no reason to care about the characters. I highly doubt this will be picked up, but then again, people in Hollywood are known to make mistakes sometimes. I really think "Kettle of Fish" is a serious contender for the worst movie I've ever seen.