Instant Favorite.

Don't Believe the Hype

I am only giving this movie a 1 for the great cast, though I can't imagine what any of them were thinking. This movie was horrible

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

This is one of those films you couldn't pay me to watch, and don't get me wrong I'm an avid horror fan. But this movie made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The plot basically is about a brother and sister who had a curse put on them centuries ago that let them live forever, but to appear young they have to eat the internal organs of people they find. In the 20th century the wooded park they live in is becoming more public and less secluded, so they try to put off killing and have a child for the sole purpose of sacrificing her to remain young. The child grows up and runs away from home, meeting a little boy who was abandoned by his mom and a college-aged young man. The three of them band together as outsiders and eventually try to stop the cannibalistic serial killer couple from killing again. Well, you can say one thing for it, it sure is disgusting at some parts. If you're one of those fans of the "hospital horror" genre where in films people remove the organs of other people, this film is full of that. The characters were just plain bizarre, and don't get me started on the ending. The cannibal shooting laser beams from her eyes... confusing. I really wouldn't watch this movie if I were you.

These days, a visit to the local park might involve dodging drunks, knife wielding hoodies, drug addicts, or paedophiles, but at least there aren't 12,000 year old cannibals waiting in the bushes to snack on your guts!In trashy schlock horror Don't Go Near the Park, that's what is waiting for people who choose to ignore local superstition and wander into the wooded area that is home to immortal brother and sister, Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Barbara Bain). Cursed by their mother to suffer endless death but never die (?), these prehistoric siblings must eat the internal organs of their victims to survive, until the day when two Wolf stars are in perfect alignment and the sacrifice of a virgin descended from their tribe breaks the curse and grants them both eternal life.To ensure that they have a virgin of the correct stock handy when the time comes, Gar hooks up with a tasty blonde (Linnea Quigley), gets married, and knocks her up (all seemingly within the space of ten minutes): 16 years later, and it is Gar's daughter, Bondi (played by jail-bait cutie Tamara Taylor), who is to be sacrificed. When Bondi runs away from home, however, it looks as though she may escape this terrible fate—if only she didn't decide on the local park as her hiding place...This amazingly dumb plot is brought to life by a director, Lawrence D. Foldes, who is so inept behind the camera, it's a miracle that he took the lens cap off whilst filming, and a cast who make the acting in my son's nativity play look positively professional by comparison. That said, by some miracle, Don't Go Near the Park actually proves to be rather entertaining.There are plenty of unintentional laughs to be had at the expense of the pitiful dialogue. shoddy costumes, and dreadful effects, and the cheesy gore makes the film fun for those who enjoy their splatter (it was sufficiently bloody to win it a place on the official Video Nasties list). The film is also notable for Quigley's early role as Bondi's mother, which sees her actually trying to act (as well, of course, taking a shower when called upon). Further welcome nudity is supplied by young Tamara Taylor, who seems to get felt up by almost everyone, including Gar, some wannabe rapist teens, and an eight year old kid.The film ends in a suitably ridiculous manner, with Gar's sacrificial ritual going haywire, laser beams shooting from his eyes, zombies rising from the dead, and a twist ending that suggests that Bondi will carry on her family's entrails-eating tradition.Entertaining for all the wrong reasons, I rate Don't Go Near the Park an unbelievably generous 6/10.

... If all you look for in a motion picture is people getting their stomachs ripped open and their hearts eaten ! Hey you don't honestly think I was gonna give DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK a good write up do you ? How on earth can anyone enjoy a movie which comes in a video box with a blood drenched man guzzling a human heart on its cover ? And before you ask It wasn't me who chose this from the video store many years ago The story ( for want of a better word ) starts with a supernatural being who looks like David Copperfield feasting upon human hearts centuries ago . Cut to the present day he seduces a young blonde who then gives birth to a daughter called Bondi . Not only is he a terrible gourmet but he seems to have an obessesion with Australian beaches . Bondi leaves home due to her mother's jealousy due to her father's love : " Gold . You never f***in' gave me gold " which seems to give the movie an angle of teenage angst . Of course this is obviously coincidental because it's safe to say that no one working on this production will have ever heard of a sophisticated word like angst , I mean a script that has lines like " If you want to be my brother stop feeling me up . Brothers don't feel up sisters " is not very sophisticatedStrange that all the reviewers on this page have never gone into detail about the plot of DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK and from memory I'm having a lot of problems trying to remember what the plot was . I could tell you what happens but I don't want to spoil your enjoyment* and just like in an overblown James Bond movie lots of things may happen in the narrative but that doesn't necessarly mean the film has a plot , more of a rambling set of scenes with someone getting killed every few minutes * That's a joke by the way . There's nothing to enjoy about this crap

i thought this movies really really sucked! it was a good thing i was in a laughing mood because all i could do was laugh at the horrible effects. there was no plot and no lines at all, i mean please! i have seen movies from the 80's and ALL of them had beeter visual effects then this! hello Nightmare on elm street movies....from the 80's with much better effects! i wouldn't recommend this movie to my worst enemy