Thanks for the memories!

I'll tell you why so serious

Good films always raise compelling questions, whether the format is fiction or documentary fact.

This is a dark and sometimes deeply uncomfortable drama

Come and sit by my campfire lads and lasses. Take a load off. Let me terrify and tantalise you with my tales. No, not of demons and ghouls and zombies, but how horrible a film can be on a 4 for £1 disc. This film in question is called Campfire Stories and like Creepshow and it's ilk, has three segments of 'scary' horror with a back-ended plot, in this case being of two young men suddenly getting a flat tyre on a road in the middle of nowhere at night when almost running over a girl who is having similar motoring difficulties. Together, the three sitting ducks try to find help in the surrounding woods.. and stumble across me and my charming little blaze!! Now at this point you may think you're in line for some terrifying tales of nastiness and woe, but you couldn't be more wrong!! The real horror is in how pathetically low budget each one is, and the dreadful acting will scare you out of your wits!! Because I like to be methodical, lets take each one at a time..Part 1: A mad dude in an asylum murders the head doctor and his nurse after a lot of mistreatment. Flash forward 20 years later, said psycho is now working at a caretaker at a school. Unfortunately a bunch of youths push him too hard, and when they go hunting him in the forest, Rambo has nothing on this guy's resourcefulness!! Apart from the visceral pleasure of seeing a bunch of jock a**holes get their just desserts, the predictable chase scenes and the cheesy blood-letting make this an instant flop. The killer is LAME too. 2/10Part 2: This is the best of the lot, though that's like saying drowning is preferable to being buried alive. Three kids on the run from the law for murdering a couple of pensioners spot an Indian in a cafe, follow him back to his trailer and kill him too.. just for his top class ganja. While smoking it though, they start to see some very weird hallucinations, and a transformation is about to take place.. The 'highlight' of this short film-within-a-film is seeing some truly awful PS1 quality special effects of a computer generated wolf and some snakes. Apart from that, it's the same old crap part deux, though the ending is a good idea which could have been scary if it was handled right.. Guess what? It isn't. 3/10 Part 3: Last but not least (that would be part 1) four teens go to a house for a night of debauchery. The guys wanna get drunk and have sex, the gals are looking for revenge for some perceived misdemeanor. And there's a strange deputy hanging outside with the IQ of a walnut. What is going to happen? Well I won't spoil things for you, but sufficed to say the person you THINK is the killer isn't the killer and the murders only take place in the last five minutes. Before then you'll have to tolerate the slowest build up since World War II, and a lesbian kiss which is a fake as plastic doggy-doo. So much for the grand finale. 2/10So that's it, apart from the conclusion to the bookended plot which is too stupid to even dignify with a comment. No serious gore, no nudity, no surprises, not even a teeny weeny sliver of camp value. Just a gigantic waste of time, all perpetrated by yours truly. You see, I made this film.. and I did it as bad as I could as an experiment to see how many punters would snap it up without reading reviews or asking their friend's advice first. Gullibility wins every time!! Now I know I can churn out as many crappy horror films as I want, safe in the knowledge that I will make a huge profit regardless of their awfulness!! Sleep tight y'all.. HA Ha ha ha ha.. *laughter fades to echo* 2/10

"Campfire Stories" was pretty lame,in my opinion.the opening sequence,with the so called flaming skull,looked like it was made on the cheap,to be polite.normally,i try to be diplomatic about bad acting in movies,but that would be hard in this case,so i won't say any more about that.aside from that,i didn't find it scary.i guess it's supposed to be something like "Tales From the Crypt" or "Creepshow",but it certainly doesn't measure up to either of those anthology series.i don't know what else to say.i guess i could talk about the lack of suspense,or even tension in the movie.or the fact that is not much gore for you gore hounds.to be fair, i didn't watch the whole thing.i didn't even watch all of the first episode.i fell asleep,but I'm fairly certain the rest of the anthology is no better.most people would likely be bored by this one.my advice is to avoid "Campfire Stories" and look elsewhere to satisfy your entertainment needs.I'll give this movie 3/10,at most.

The computer animated skull was the cheesiest, dumbest, most retarded thing I have seen in a long time. I couldn't even hear what it was saying. I just assumed that it was the normal crypt-keeper rip-off crap. Not that the Crypt Keeper was good. Then we are introduced to the story of two guys with a broken down car who meet a random girl, and then, respectively, a Southern Deputy. That is the overarching plot, but it doesn't matter. It takes up less time then the sub-stories. I also was unable to hear what the zany deputy was saying throughout his five hour long idiotic rambling.The first sub story was just unimaginative. We listen to repetitive punk rock for ten minutes before the story actually begins. A guy kills people at a mental institution that performs hideous experiments on it's charges. Then the story REALLY takes off with a bunch of jock teen kids molesting a gardener. BUT WAS HE FROM THE MENTAL INSTITUTION??? WE DON'T KNOW!!!! Well, they know that he's unstable, saying that he killed his family, and then unburied them and "killed them again." Oh, what a card that psychopathic gardener is! Then they are hanging out in a large inexplicable vacant lot with various sport equipment. The gardener then kills all the kids who are too ****ing dumb to use the golf clubs they have to bludgeon the killer from a distance OR to stick together so he couldn't possibly stand a chance since he, like this movie, sucks really bad. Oh, and he stuffs all his victims.It warrants special attention that in this particular story, the lead teen jerk has a fake ear for half the sub-story. Not a good fake ear, one that doesn't have an ear hole. It looks like it's falling off every time he falls down. I mean, nothing actually happens to his ear after it is originally attacked, and it isn't even a fake bloody ear. Just a regular flesh colored, hole-less ear. I hate this movie for that. Next is the story of some kids who steal a Native American's pot, have a bad trip and become old. I need say no more, as my IQ score drops in a negative exponential curve each second I think about this story.The last is a whole bunch-o-fun! This girl is making out in the car, okay? We'll call her No Name, since I don't know or care what her name is. Now get this, she is afraid of some guy stalking her! Got that, 'cause that actually almost matters. Now her girlfriend starts talking about revenge on their boyfriends, because the boyfriends taped them having intercourse without their permission. MORE SUSPENSE!!!! And then a deputy who is southern (even though nobody else in the scene is) agrees to investigate the stalker for No Name. And then the stalker is forgotten in lieu of a fake teen sex scene. See, the girl's plans are to get the guys drunk so they can films the guys doing stuff. Then they all get killed except No Name, WHO IS ALSO THE KILLER!!!!!! o_0 OMGWTFBBQ????!!!!1!!!! It also shows the fakest kill ever, as No Name kills her girlfriend by playfully tapping her in side of the head with a poker. Not with the sharp part, the dull part. Hitting her at .0000000000000000000000000000000001 attometers per mega second! Her girlfriend keels over like drunken decapitated moose who gave up on life. Did I mention how much I hate hate hate hate hate this movie?Oh, And in the over arching plot, the random girl they find is evil. We don't know why, but she is. And all the people from the stories come back and kill the two guys from the broken down car. No reason is given for why any of this happens or why this movie made me want put my foot in blender, but hey, that's CAMPFIRE STORIES!!!!

Not as bad as "Carnivore", this low budget film is still sh*t, but I have more respect for it then I have for "The Worst Movie Ever, Carnivore". Anyways...Two teens on their way to a backwoods party come across a beautiful young woman (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) having car trouble, so they go into the woods to find campers she said she saw, they run into Ranger Bill, and he starts telling them these campfire stories. There are 3 stories, one involves a lunatic killer, the other a haunted Indian/weed pipe and the last one is yet another killer story. Personally I liked the last story the best, but that is not saying much. I mistakenly bought Carnivore in a 5 dollar bin at Wal mart, I got this at Christmas. There was a deal if you buy one movie, you get another one, my mom picked it while she was getting the "Awesome" Dog Soldiers.The acting is mostly high school level and the music is really lame. The worst performance is "Ranger Bill" played by David Johansen, he really sinks this movie. I will admit, at the beginning I had hopes for it, it was going alright, then they meet up with Bill and it goes downhill from there. Now the acting is as bad as Carnivore (I'll be making lots of references to it) but it is worse than Evil Dead. So you get the idea, the best performance is from a guy who has 2 lines it, the escaped lunatic mental killer in the first story. The first story, about a group of jocks picking on a school handyman, doesn't fair much better in it's acting or production values. Once it gets going there is a level of creepiness to it but the whole set up before the climax is so poorly done that you find yourself caring very little about what happens.Aside from some poor special effects (well good in a high school class project sort of way) the second story involving three troublemakers looking to profit from the murder of a native man, fails to really grab the viewer. There isn't much wrong with the story it just doesn't do much until the twist ending. At that point everything registers and the story makes sense, unfortunately it's not much fun getting to that point.The final, and best, story is a nice little "who-done-it". While the story, of four friends getting together for a night of "passion" which ends in murder, doesn't really set itself up as well as it could, it does contain the most suspense of the 4 stories. This entry contains the best of everything in the movie, best story, acting and suspense. The topper is that is also contains the best ending as you continue to guess who the culprit is.If you are the kind of fan who likes low budget campy kind of stuff, then be my guest. If you thought carnivore was at the very least okay, then give this one a try, it has a lot of of screen gore, like chainsaw scene in Scarface. For instance, the lead jock's neck and a saw come to meet, but all you see is the blood drip onto his chest. There's no nudity, hardly any language this movie doesn't feel like a real horror movie to me, just some kind of thriller, with one or two horror elements thrown in.